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Old 14.10.2011, 14:51
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Bag of 20s

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer.”
Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.” www.lankastandard.com
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Old 14.10.2011, 14:59
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Wife swap - takes 9 months!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
‘Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman…
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!’
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’

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Old 14.10.2011, 15:05
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Bibilical humor

Q.. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A.. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A.. German Shepherds.

Q.. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q… Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.


Q.. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.


Q… Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q.. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q.. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?
A.. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q.. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A.. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q.. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark ?
A.. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan.)

PS… Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says . ‘He-brews’


Lets get serious! What does the Bible stand for:
Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.
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Old 14.10.2011, 15:09
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Been to the American Embassy?

An American in London
An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pub to have a pint of beer. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with stately residences. No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms. However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, “Sir, you simply cannot do that here.”
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really have to pee, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”
“Just follow me” says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the Bobby, “whiz away sir, anywhere you like.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.
He relieves himself immediately. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby “That was really nice of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? ”
“No sir…” replied the Bobby, “that is what we call the American Embassy.”

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Old 14.10.2011, 15:14
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Re: Bag of 20s

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