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Old 19.07.2012, 11:25
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A few one liners

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and 'Then I saw her face'


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a
prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off
a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change.


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing.


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks
nicked


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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  #2  
Old 19.07.2012, 11:27
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Re: A few one liners

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were over, there were three finalists -- two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said: "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said: "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Cheers!
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Old 19.07.2012, 11:35
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Perfect, having a great giggle here ...
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Old 19.07.2012, 11:39
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Re: A few one liners

who let the mods out?
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Old 19.07.2012, 11:42
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Re: A few one liners

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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
too funny!!!
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Old 19.07.2012, 12:01
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Re: A few one liners

perl -i -ple 'print q{#!/bin/bash} if $. == 1; close ARGV if eof' *.sh

Edit: oops wrong forum
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Old 19.07.2012, 12:05
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Re: A few one liners

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perl -i -ple 'print q{#!/bin/bash} if $. == 1; close ARGV if eof' *.sh

Edit: oops wrong forum
now THAT was funny.
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Old 19.07.2012, 13:14
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Re: A few one liners

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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
Meh. You'll survive.
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Old 19.07.2012, 16:23
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Re: A few one liners

Love it. Got me in stitches
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Old 26.07.2012, 18:14
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Re: A few one liners

A German millionaire goes to a bank in Zürich.

Asks the clerk: how much would you like to invest?

The German looks over his shoulders nervously and whispers: One million Euro!

Clerk: You can speak up! Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of here in Switzerland!
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Old 26.07.2012, 19:36
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Re: A few one liners

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A German millionaire goes to a bank in Zürich.

Asks the clerk: how much would you like to invest?

The German looks over his shoulders nervously and whispers: One million Euro!

Clerk: You can speak up! Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of here in Switzerland!


That's not a one liner.

Bloomin' mods. It's one rule for them.... <saunters off to Forum Support to start a drama thread>


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Old 27.07.2012, 11:38
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Re: A few one liners

At a train station

"I would like a ticket, please".
"Where"
"Here, in my hand"
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Old 27.07.2012, 11:40
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Re: A few one liners

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At a train station

"I would like a ticket, please".
"Where"
"Here, in my hand"

"I'd like a return ticket please"
"Where to"
"Back here"
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Old 27.07.2012, 17:17
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Bad jokes are the best.

A teacher to a pupil:
"If you had seven apples and I asked you for two, how many apples would you have left?"
"Seven."

"Doctor, what is up with me?"
"Not sure, but the autopsy will tell."
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