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  #181  
Old 02.06.2008, 19:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Adam is all alone in the garden of Eden, and by now is fed up of playing with himself.

So he calls God and says "Is there anything you can do to make me less lonely? I mean I’m red raw now and it can only get worse."

God replies, "OK I can create this wonderful being... smart, sexy, gorgeous, talented. She can wash up, cook meals, give wonderful blow jobs and will be great in bed. It will be called the woman."

"Excellent" said Adam.

"The problem is it will cost you an arm, a leg and a hand."

Adam thinks this through for a while and eventually replies, "What have you got for a rib?"
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  #182  
Old 03.06.2008, 10:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
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  #183  
Old 03.06.2008, 16:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Problem
You are in a boat in the middle of a river.
You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette.
You don't have anything else with you in the boat.

How will you do it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Solution 1
Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become
LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette.


Solution 2
Another deadly answer:
You throw a cigarette up and catch it.
Catches win Matches.
Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette
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  #184  
Old 05.06.2008, 11:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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  #185  
Old 06.06.2008, 17:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Ah look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"



I've got lots more.....but they're ruder.....don't know whether to keep thread tame or slip some rude ones in......any opinions? Don't want to offend anyone.
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  #186  
Old 06.06.2008, 20:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I've got lots more.....but they're ruder.....don't know whether to keep thread tame or slip some rude ones in......any opinions? Don't want to offend anyone.
I say go for broke, but then I may not be the most politically correct person on the forum!
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  #187  
Old 09.06.2008, 16:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Ok, no one has objected to rude ones, so I'll start with a mild one !!

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work



Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Sometimes leaves work, too early

Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

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  #188  
Old 10.06.2008, 13:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

*** Removed ***

I apologize...

Last edited by TheWolverine; 23.06.2008 at 17:09. Reason: Offended some people...
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  #189  
Old 10.06.2008, 13:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two - one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
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  #190  
Old 10.06.2008, 13:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance
your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit from going soft......
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  #191  
Old 11.06.2008, 15:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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  #192  
Old 12.06.2008, 10:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What's the most used chat up line in a gay bar?








Can I push your stool in for you...............
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  #193  
Old 12.06.2008, 10:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

EEEEEuuuuwwww
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  #194  
Old 12.06.2008, 11:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A magician was driving down the road......then he turned into a drive way..
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  #195  
Old 12.06.2008, 11:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were
swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo
and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by
his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away
whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and
behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy
in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought
them all a cocktail
Looking around the gathering at the reef he
realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on
the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and
see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're
now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your
dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed........."



























"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
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  #196  
Old 13.06.2008, 00:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.








5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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  #197  
Old 13.06.2008, 14:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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  #198  
Old 13.06.2008, 14:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.








5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Four animals a woman should have:
1. A tiger in the bedroom
2. A jaguar in the garage
3. A mink in the closet
4. An ass to pay for it all
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  #199  
Old 15.06.2008, 08:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so that she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green, and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big ****ing red mark on her forehead.
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  #200  
Old 16.06.2008, 17:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
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