And Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."
Bob came fifth, and received a blender.

What do you call Dr Watson when Sherlock isn't around?

Holmeless.

The head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

The brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

The brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

The brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"A Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"

"Well, since no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he replied.

Putin meets with random people in Russia

(apologies for the 2 rofls - I didn't know if you were supposed to catch them).

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the floor. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

your inner north american might think this is terrible..

The only person I know who requested classes to teach in the afternoon because he could not get up, was Irish. But he also thought he was a vampire, so go figure.

I think it is not terrible but impractical. I got shown some weird images of apparent anime bed linen the other day, people seem to wear it around, too. So nothing surprises me no mo. Google Dakimakura pillow. Serious deal.

Hahaha these jokes are really hilarious
I suggested this jokes thread by my blogger friend "Gustavo Woltmann".
Now I wanna share one joke with you all

Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me because you have taken to Heaven ...my favourite actor Alan Rickman, my favourite horror actor Christopher Lee, my favourite comedians Robin Williams and Ronnie Corbett my favourite singer Joe Cocker, my favourite writer Jackie Collins my favourite magician Paul Daniels my favourite actress Jean Alexander my favourite comedienne Victoria Woodand finally, my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Jeremy Corbyn, Michael Gove, Jacob Zuma, Robert Mugabe, Hilary Clinton, Donald Trump and that stupid bitch from Scotland .

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £10 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving..

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

With all due respect - this needs it's own thread