A man walks up to a librarian and asks, " Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?" The librarian responds, " It rings a bell but i'm not sure if its here or not."

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbour is dead against it.

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons.

"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"

"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"

"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"

Paolo, his friend asks, "What's a Sports Mechanic?"

Lorenzo replies, "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da football games he fixa da boxin matcha..."

Does a terrible pick up line count

My friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said, "that makes two of us"

Worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did not die from stab wounds by Brutus, but, rather, was poisoned. During a sumptuous banquet which they both attended on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius' salad. (Thus making the world's first Caesar's salad - no, that's not the joke, wait for it....)
When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked, "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius gasped in reply:
"Ate two, Brute."

A horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.

He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got.”

“Why?" asks the barman. "What have you got?”

“About two euros and a carrot.”

I have a good one I used when I worked at the pubs in Sydney.

Only tell this one after everyone is hammered.

Simple joke but after you tell it run for the door.

So like a cat you must first check the escape route.

..........................

The joke goes like this....

The joke is set in magical medieval times. Or whatever. Your choice. But there must be a quest, the hero, the princess, the king and the dragon.

If the hero wants to marry the princess then the king says he must complete a quest. He must cut off the ear of a dragon, return it to the king and then she is his to marry along with the chest full of cash etc.

Tell the story. Make it very long. Keep telling the audience that it almost finished.

At the end the hero presents the ear to the king.

The king says... what's this ear (here)???

That's the moment to run for the door .............II

__________________
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. George Shaw 1856-1950

The disappearing joke, Sbrinz? It's in my inbox, but not here..

Late night on the town with all your wrist watches, eh?

Ho ho, yep, I even walk slowly these days.. I tried to post an old joke but the formatting was terrible, and after 3 attempts I gave up. I sent you an e-mail.

Breaking news: Turkey gets air force ready for operation.

Tom

For your inner geeky 5th grader.

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How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It's not hard.


Why did the partially blind man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.


What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing.. It just let out a little wine.


What did the doctor say to the dwarf in his waiting room?

You're just going to have to be a little patient.

This meme could very well be in the homeopathic thread, too.

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