Tough crowd.

A vampire bat comes flapping into its cave covered in fresh blood. All the other bats smell the blood and start hassling him about were he got it.

"Ok follow me" he says and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats in pursuit. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest.
Finally, he slows down and all the bats start to mill around him filled with excitement.

"Now do you see that tree over there?" he asks.

"Yes, yes, yes" they scream.

"Good" says he "Because I did not."

Did you not read the thread title?

Check thread title

Two quantum particles bump into each other. The first one shouts "Watch where you're going!" The other one shouts "Where am I?"

A hot summer's day finds a queue by an ice cream van at a school sports day. The man at the front of the queue is crying. The man behind him says "What's the matter mate? I notice you've got a Guardian tucked under your arm and was going to ask if you'd like to swap for my Independant - once you've finished reading your paper, of course..."

"Oh, don't mind me," says the Guardian reader "I always get emotional on days like this. It's what being English is all about isn't it? Swallows in the sky, children having fun, deck chairs and ice cream. I know people might scoff, but I'm so proud to be English. You know, the happiest day of my life was when my son was born on Saint George's Day. I had to name him George, that's him over there in the sack race."

"Well," says the Independant reader, "That's amazing! I'm a proud Scot myself, but can see where you're coming from. When my son was born on Saint Andrew's day, I was the happiest man on Earth - that's Andy over there in the egg and spoon race..."

The third man in the queue taps the second on the shoulder and says "Forgive me, but I couldn't help overhearing and was just about to chip in with the offer of a read of my Financial Times once you guys have finished with your papers, but the amazing thing is that there's no prouder Welshman than myself, and that when my son was born on Saint David's day, I nearly burst with pride. That's David over there in the three-legged race...this calls for a drink, eh?"

"I think we should," says the fourth man in the queue "I was going to offer my Telegraph once you chaps had finished with your papers - but believe it or not, I'm a proud Irishman, and my son was born on Saint Patrick's day! That's Pat over there in the high jump."

The fifth man in the queue can contain himself no longer. He flourishes his Daily Mail and says "Incredible! That's my boy Pancake over there by the tombola stall!"

__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.

The thunder god went for a ride
upon his favourite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried, his horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle thilly."

Teacher: "What is your favourite letter of the alphabet?"

Student: "The letter G, Miss"

Teacher: "Why is that, Angus?"

I got my own back on my wife for Christmas shopping.


I took her into 8 different pubs without having a drink, then took her back to the 1st one and bought a pint.


Ho, ho, ho!

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. Whilst he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100".

The diplomats have a discussion for a few minutes and then tell the undertaker that they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?".

The Americans reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".

__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.

Wie bestellt ein Deutscher, der in Zürich lebt, ein Bier?

Ein Bier, bitte äkkkkh.

Daily Mail delivered this corker today as part of a sob story

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'What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?'





'They both have to smell it, but neither of them get to eat it.'




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I think they win "terrible 2017"

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Feeling Cold?

Go stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually around 90 degrees.

What do you call a guy with no head, no arms, no legs and he floats in the water?