I've got a Polish friend who's a sound technician and a Czech one too Czech one too.

I hate it when these people rock up, banging on the door, telling me that I need to be “saved” or I will “burn”.

Flaming Firemen, who do they think they are?

Unlucky or dead, Bob.

A pregnant woman falls into a coma. 6 months later she awakens and asks the doctors about her baby.

The doctor tells her that in fact she had two healthy babies a boy and a girl and that her brother was looking after them and had given them names.

Oh no said the women, I mean I am glad he's looking after them, but he's a bit of a plonker, what are the names she asked? fearing the worst.

The doctor replied, he named the girl Denise.

Well thats not so bad, said the mother with relief, what is my boy called?

Danephew, replied the doctor.

belly laugh

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

> Battle Royale with Cheese.

...because of the metric system

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

The other day I saw some mimes performing on the street. Out of nothing they attacked me.
They did unspeakable things to me

A horse is in the pub having a few jars when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter. The donkey asks "what did you do for a living" the horse replies " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter"

Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach" , then he asks "Did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, the donkey thinks, "I need to impress this **** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", the donkey replies " Thats me when I played for Juventus !"

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We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.

We'll we'll we'll... if it isn't autocorrect...

I read that it’s illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

Not sure what the rules are in Tesco.

'My friend gifted me a mug with a naked woman. My wife broke the damn mug and kicked the naked b&tch out!'

I thought that was a FWP until I checked the thread title.