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  #2541  
Old 28.02.2018, 22:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I read that it’s illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

Not sure what the rules are in Tesco.
Reminds me of the guy who was overcome with temptation at the sight of his wife in a mini skirt bending over the chest freezer.

They were both banned from Tesco.
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  #2542  
Old 04.03.2018, 17:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Some quotes and jokes of Steven Wright, mostly not terrible

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Last edited by TobiasM; 05.03.2018 at 09:59.
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  #2543  
Old 08.03.2018, 17:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One of DB's Black Country compatriots walks into a tailors and says: “Alroit, mate. I’d like a 70s suit, please.”

The tailor says: “Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?”

Brummie says: “Thanks mate, two sugars.”
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  #2544  
Old 08.03.2018, 23:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I said to this guy, "how do you get your coffee table so shiny?"
He said, "polish!"
I said, "sorry - jak sprawić, by twój stolik był tak błyszczący?"
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  #2545  
Old 08.03.2018, 23:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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i said to this guy, "how do you get your coffee table so shiny?"
he said, "polish!"
i said, "sorry - jak sprawić, by twój stolik był tak błyszczący?"
lol
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  #2546  
Old 09.03.2018, 10:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]



Tom
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  #2547  
Old 17.03.2018, 10:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A friend of mine which is a doctor just confessed to me that he has sometime sexual intercourse with his patients.

It not so much the ethical and legal aspect which bothers me but the fact that he is a veterinary.

Last edited by aSwissInTheUS; 17.03.2018 at 11:26.
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  #2548  
Old 17.03.2018, 11:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Some quotes and jokes of Steven Wright, mostly not terrible

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Write on with the write stuff!
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  #2549  
Old 26.03.2018, 10:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #2550  
Old 26.03.2018, 11:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
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  #2551  
Old 27.03.2018, 17:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus...
Wife: What do you mean??
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!
Wife: Thats AWESOME! If you do that, I'll also do like Mary..
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: Show up pregnant untouched by my husband...

And Husband stayed home all Easter
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  #2552  
Old 29.03.2018, 17:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #2553  
Old 29.03.2018, 17:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?



Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
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  #2554  
Old 29.03.2018, 17:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?



Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Where the fxck have you been?
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  #2555  
Old 29.03.2018, 17:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Where the fxck have you been?
Looking for me marbles.. am sorted now
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  #2556  
Old 29.03.2018, 17:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Looking for me marbles.. am sorted now
You're not the only one (me excluded of course) - doesn't prescribe you a free non-posting period though
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  #2557  
Old 29.03.2018, 17:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

And another awful one:

I told my wife I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me!

Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
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  #2558  
Old 29.03.2018, 17:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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looking for me marbles.. Am sorted now :d
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  #2559  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #2560  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Looking for me marbles.. am sorted now
Marbles?

Damn, that's another item on my list. Thanks.

EDIT: till now I thought today was a fantastic day as I remembered to shop for enough supplies to survive until Tuesday.
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