Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #2541  
Old 28.02.2018, 23:55
marton's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kt. Zürich
Posts: 9,097
Groaned at 312 Times in 268 Posts
Thanked 12,858 Times in 7,090 Posts
marton has a reputation beyond reputemarton has a reputation beyond reputemarton has a reputation beyond reputemarton has a reputation beyond reputemarton has a reputation beyond reputemarton has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob View Post
I read that it’s illegal to have sex while drunk in Iceland.

Not sure what the rules are in Tesco.
Reminds me of the guy who was overcome with temptation at the sight of his wife in a mini skirt bending over the chest freezer.

They were both banned from Tesco.
Reply With Quote
  #2542  
Old 04.03.2018, 18:17
TobiasM's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,292
Groaned at 180 Times in 129 Posts
Thanked 2,476 Times in 1,175 Posts
TobiasM has a reputation beyond reputeTobiasM has a reputation beyond reputeTobiasM has a reputation beyond reputeTobiasM has a reputation beyond reputeTobiasM has a reputation beyond reputeTobiasM has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Some quotes and jokes of Steven Wright, mostly not terrible

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Last edited by TobiasM; 05.03.2018 at 10:59.
Reply With Quote
  #2543  
Old 08.03.2018, 18:48
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 452
Groaned at 8 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 1,220 Times in 479 Posts
Rob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One of DB's Black Country compatriots walks into a tailors and says: “Alroit, mate. I’d like a 70s suit, please.”

The tailor says: “Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?”

Brummie says: “Thanks mate, two sugars.”
Reply With Quote
  #2544  
Old 09.03.2018, 00:05
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 452
Groaned at 8 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 1,220 Times in 479 Posts
Rob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I said to this guy, "how do you get your coffee table so shiny?"
He said, "polish!"
I said, "sorry - jak sprawić, by twój stolik był tak błyszczący?"
Reply With Quote
  #2545  
Old 09.03.2018, 00:10
curley's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: canton ZH
Posts: 8,181
Groaned at 115 Times in 100 Posts
Thanked 8,652 Times in 4,631 Posts
curley has a reputation beyond reputecurley has a reputation beyond reputecurley has a reputation beyond reputecurley has a reputation beyond reputecurley has a reputation beyond reputecurley has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by rob View Post
i said to this guy, "how do you get your coffee table so shiny?"
he said, "polish!"
i said, "sorry - jak sprawić, by twój stolik był tak błyszczący?"
lol
Reply With Quote
  #2546  
Old 09.03.2018, 11:45
st2lemans's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Lugano
Posts: 24,645
Groaned at 1,424 Times in 1,099 Posts
Thanked 28,404 Times in 13,576 Posts
st2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]



Tom
Reply With Quote
  #2547  
Old 17.03.2018, 11:52
aSwissInTheUS's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Zurich area
Posts: 9,105
Groaned at 72 Times in 63 Posts
Thanked 13,544 Times in 6,048 Posts
aSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A friend of mine which is a doctor just confessed to me that he has sometime sexual intercourse with his patients.

It not so much the ethical and legal aspect which bothers me but the fact that he is a veterinary.

Last edited by aSwissInTheUS; 17.03.2018 at 12:26.
Reply With Quote
  #2548  
Old 17.03.2018, 12:54
robBob's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Zurich
Posts: 1,547
Groaned at 31 Times in 19 Posts
Thanked 1,128 Times in 664 Posts
robBob has an excellent reputationrobBob has an excellent reputationrobBob has an excellent reputationrobBob has an excellent reputation
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by TobiasM View Post
Some quotes and jokes of Steven Wright, mostly not terrible

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Write on with the write stuff!
Reply With Quote
  #2549  
Old 26.03.2018, 11:31
starmir's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Kanton Zurich
Posts: 335
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 311 Times in 138 Posts
starmir has an excellent reputationstarmir has an excellent reputationstarmir has an excellent reputationstarmir has an excellent reputation
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

.
Attached Images
 
Reply With Quote
  #2550  
Old 26.03.2018, 12:13
Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Winterthur
Posts: 7
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts
abilgec has no particular reputation at present
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
Reply With Quote
  #2551  
Old 27.03.2018, 18:18
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Mitteland
Posts: 114
Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post
Thanked 61 Times in 37 Posts
kaciak is considered knowledgeablekaciak is considered knowledgeablekaciak is considered knowledgeable
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus...
Wife: What do you mean??
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!
Wife: Thats AWESOME! If you do that, I'll also do like Mary..
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: Show up pregnant untouched by my husband...

And Husband stayed home all Easter
Reply With Quote
  #2552  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:26
Swisstree's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hants/ZH
Posts: 2,568
Groaned at 39 Times in 29 Posts
Thanked 5,834 Times in 1,961 Posts
Swisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Name:  nv7pcd9uewwy.jpg
Views: 461
Size:  27.5 KB
Reply With Quote
  #2553  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:29
Swisstree's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hants/ZH
Posts: 2,568
Groaned at 39 Times in 29 Posts
Thanked 5,834 Times in 1,961 Posts
Swisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?



Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Reply With Quote
  #2554  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:33
ZuriRollt's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Zürich
Posts: 3,645
Groaned at 93 Times in 68 Posts
Thanked 4,149 Times in 1,835 Posts
ZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Swisstree View Post
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?



Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Where the fxck have you been?
Reply With Quote
  #2555  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:38
Swisstree's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hants/ZH
Posts: 2,568
Groaned at 39 Times in 29 Posts
Thanked 5,834 Times in 1,961 Posts
Swisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZuriRollt View Post
Where the fxck have you been?
Looking for me marbles.. am sorted now
Reply With Quote
  #2556  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:44
ZuriRollt's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Zürich
Posts: 3,645
Groaned at 93 Times in 68 Posts
Thanked 4,149 Times in 1,835 Posts
ZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Swisstree View Post
Looking for me marbles.. am sorted now
You're not the only one (me excluded of course) - doesn't prescribe you a free non-posting period though
Reply With Quote
  #2557  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:53
Swisstree's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hants/ZH
Posts: 2,568
Groaned at 39 Times in 29 Posts
Thanked 5,834 Times in 1,961 Posts
Swisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

And another awful one:

I told my wife I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me!

Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Reply With Quote
  #2558  
Old 29.03.2018, 18:58
ZuriRollt's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Zürich
Posts: 3,645
Groaned at 93 Times in 68 Posts
Thanked 4,149 Times in 1,835 Posts
ZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond reputeZuriRollt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by swisstree View Post
looking for me marbles.. Am sorted now :d
repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-screen-shot-2018-03-29-17.51.57.png
Reply With Quote
  #2559  
Old 29.03.2018, 19:07
Swisstree's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hants/ZH
Posts: 2,568
Groaned at 39 Times in 29 Posts
Thanked 5,834 Times in 1,961 Posts
Swisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond reputeSwisstree has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Name:  7HNOThI.jpg
Views: 429
Size:  26.5 KB
Reply With Quote
  #2560  
Old 29.03.2018, 19:12
JagWaugh's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Eglisau
Posts: 6,992
Groaned at 47 Times in 46 Posts
Thanked 13,382 Times in 5,261 Posts
JagWaugh has a reputation beyond reputeJagWaugh has a reputation beyond reputeJagWaugh has a reputation beyond reputeJagWaugh has a reputation beyond reputeJagWaugh has a reputation beyond reputeJagWaugh has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Swisstree View Post
Looking for me marbles.. am sorted now
Marbles?

Damn, that's another item on my list. Thanks.

EDIT: till now I thought today was a fantastic day as I remembered to shop for enough supplies to survive until Tuesday.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
funnies, punography




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
EF Challenge: Number plate cushions litespeed Transportation/driving 42 30.08.2013 23:54
Website Challenge Lob Jokes/funnies 38 01.07.2008 22:01
I think I may be making a terrible mistake !! gypsy21 Daily life 66 27.04.2007 00:09
Ski Challenge Nickj General off-topic 0 04.12.2006 13:33


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 14:27.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0