An old man drove past me on a tractor this morning and told me the end was nigh..

I am sure it was Farmer Gedden.

Ferrero Rocher sales have plummeted due to global ambassador crisis.

I asked my dinner guests what kind of salad they would like.

A lot voted romaine, but leaf won.

Never trust an Electrician with fuzzy hair.

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”

British Airways have just unveiled a plane that holds 220 passengers.

It's the same model that Ryanair have bought. However, a Ryanair spokesman insists it can accommodate up to 600.

Walked into a toilet and there was a bloke laying on the floor in a pool of piss.

I asked him if he was ok, and he replied,

"Yes, i'm ok, the doctor told me not to lift anything too heavy....."

Miryam, Isabella and Anja have been friends all their lives and, now in their dotage, are losing their memories.

Anja calls Isabella to join her to visit Miryam, who seems vaguely pleased when they arrive.

After a quarter of an hour, Miryam suddenly jumps up, apologizing that she had forgotten to make them tea. Tea enjoyed by all, and Miryam tidies everything away. Half an hour later, Miryam suddenly jumps up, apologizing that she had forgotten to make them tea. Tea enjoyed by all, and Miryam tidies everything away. Another twenty minutes go by before Miryam suddenly jumps up, apologizing that she had forgotten to make them tea. Tea enjoyed by all, and Miryam tidies everything away. Then they bid their fond farewlls, and Anja and Isabella stroll away.

Isabella says: "Isn't it terrible? We were there for quite a while, and Miryam didn't even offer us anything to drink!"
Anja replies: "You mean you've seen Miryam today?!"

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.


.

A petty thief has accidentally died on the job only to wake up someplace weird and strange. A guy is there who says hello my friend. The thief then asks where am I. The stranger then replies you are in hell. Hell replies the thief Oh my god. the stranger then replies, it ain't so bad. It ain't? asks the thief. No. not really says the stranger.

After a bit of hesitation the man says to the thief, do you like to eat? The thief quietly answers, am yea! Good then you will like Monday. Monday we all gather around and have a big feast. All you can eat. And one never gains weight here. Oh answers the thief.

Do you like to drink? Yea a bit answers the thief. Great. On Tuesday we have a big party and you can drink all you want but you never get a hang over on the next day.

How but drugs, you like to do drugs? Sometimes answers the thief. Then you'll enjoy Wednesday and no need to worry about an overdose. Just shoot up and enjoy.

And if you like to gamble Thursday is the day for you. We play roulette and poker and any card game there is and you always win.

Gee says the thief it ain't so bad here after all. Yea says his new found friend. By the way, would you happen to be homosexual. Ah no says the thief somewhat hesitant. Ooh says his new acquaintance, I don't think you're going to enjoy FRIDAY!

The Starship Enterprise and TP have one thing in common.

They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.

A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman.

"Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later, "I want my money back... it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her... in case she is not driving it properly.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"

Q: Do you know a good GDPR consultant?
A: Yes
Q: Can you give me his email address please?
A: No...

If a man walks through the forest and there is no woman anywhere, is he still at fault?

I got attacked by three fellas last night.

I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time for a wank but it could have been my last.
———————
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
———————

Went to the sperm clinic and the lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said I'm good but I'm not ready for competitions.

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a by man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.

THANK YOU, Rob! Wonderful! Daren't breathe a word after drinking in all that!

The England football team have arrived in Russia and visited a local orphanage. "It was so sad to see their little faces, bereft of hope" said Vladimir, 7.