An old man drove past me on a tractor this morning and told me the end was nigh..

I am sure it was Farmer Gedden.

Ferrero Rocher sales have plummeted due to global ambassador crisis.

I asked my dinner guests what kind of salad they would like.

A lot voted romaine, but leaf won.

Never trust an Electrician with fuzzy hair.

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”

British Airways have just unveiled a plane that holds 220 passengers.

It's the same model that Ryanair have bought. However, a Ryanair spokesman insists it can accommodate up to 600.

Walked into a toilet and there was a bloke laying on the floor in a pool of piss.

I asked him if he was ok, and he replied,

"Yes, i'm ok, the doctor told me not to lift anything too heavy....."

Miryam, Isabella and Anja have been friends all their lives and, now in their dotage, are losing their memories.

Anja calls Isabella to join her to visit Miryam, who seems vaguely pleased when they arrive.

After a quarter of an hour, Miryam suddenly jumps up, apologizing that she had forgotten to make them tea. Tea enjoyed by all, and Miryam tidies everything away. Half an hour later, Miryam suddenly jumps up, apologizing that she had forgotten to make them tea. Tea enjoyed by all, and Miryam tidies everything away. Another twenty minutes go by before Miryam suddenly jumps up, apologizing that she had forgotten to make them tea. Tea enjoyed by all, and Miryam tidies everything away. Then they bid their fond farewlls, and Anja and Isabella stroll away.

Isabella says: "Isn't it terrible? We were there for quite a while, and Miryam didn't even offer us anything to drink!"
Anja replies: "You mean you've seen Miryam today?!"

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.


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A petty thief has accidentally died on the job only to wake up someplace weird and strange. A guy is there who says hello my friend. The thief then asks where am I. The stranger then replies you are in hell. Hell replies the thief Oh my god. the stranger then replies, it ain't so bad. It ain't? asks the thief. No. not really says the stranger.

After a bit of hesitation the man says to the thief, do you like to eat? The thief quietly answers, am yea! Good then you will like Monday. Monday we all gather around and have a big feast. All you can eat. And one never gains weight here. Oh answers the thief.

Do you like to drink? Yea a bit answers the thief. Great. On Tuesday we have a big party and you can drink all you want but you never get a hang over on the next day.

How but drugs, you like to do drugs? Sometimes answers the thief. Then you'll enjoy Wednesday and no need to worry about an overdose. Just shoot up and enjoy.

And if you like to gamble Thursday is the day for you. We play roulette and poker and any card game there is and you always win.

Gee says the thief it ain't so bad here after all. Yea says his new found friend. By the way, would you happen to be homosexual. Ah no says the thief somewhat hesitant. Ooh says his new acquaintance, I don't think you're going to enjoy FRIDAY!