My mate, the gravedigger, is off work this week so I’m filling in for him.

There's a special place in Hull for the man who invented Autocorrect.

Nelson was 5' 6" in real life.

His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"

That's a Horatio of around 3:1

Once you've driven through Hull, then you are on your way to Hedon

Some of my work's management team are having a week-long leadership workshop and one of the team-building activities is axe throwing (for some reason). I had to remind my manager that "to bury the hatchet" is an idiom, not an SOP.

Someone said yoga can cure scoliosis.
I a hunch it was too good to be true.

Freddie Mercury was at a celebration meal in a Greek restaurant. It had got to that stage in the night when everybody was ready to join in the famous Greek custom of smashing crockery, and waiters were distributing plates to all the diners in readiness.

A waiter came up to Fred and handed him two dinner plates.

Said Fred "Could you please get me another plate?"

"What for?" asked the waiter.

Said Freddie "I want to break three."

I saw my friend coming out of the GP's surgery the other day
"Alright Jon?, Haven't seen you in ages, everything ok?"
"Not really, Rich", he replied, "I've just been diagnosed with The Big 'C'..
"Oh no", I replied, "Not cancer"..
"No," he said, "Dyslexia"

Are Creationists really just Primate Change deniers?

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said “40”

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

Autocorrect has become man's worst enema.

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. The barman say "Oh no, not you two again".

From the great punster Milton Jones.

My daughter was born, and she had jaundice. So there she is, small, round and yellow.

We called her Melonie.

I thought I was being thick but I finally understand the joke. You need to spell Bono right for that to work.

Corrected. Darn this auto-correct!

I used to have a job in a calender factory but I got to the sack because I took a couple of days off...