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  #2701  
Old 08.11.2018, 09:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

as a Foreigner I'm sure you'll be a Survivor, could be a long Journey though
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  #2702  
Old 08.11.2018, 09:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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as a Foreigner I'm sure you'll be a Survivor, could be a long Journey though
Long Journey? Nah, just get The Cars and you'll be grand.
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  #2703  
Old 08.11.2018, 18:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bought out the meat department the other day.

Now I'm a major steak holder.
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  #2704  
Old 08.11.2018, 22:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

If you're on the toilet as midnight rolls over...

Same shit, different day
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  #2705  
Old 17.11.2018, 16:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

what’s the best thing about Zürich?
the express train to Basel.

What goes:
BANG




BANG





BANG





BANG?
A Bernese machine gun.
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  #2706  
Old 26.11.2018, 11:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I want a fat bank account and a thin body.

Please don't mess it up, like you did last year and the year before.
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  #2707  
Old 26.11.2018, 14:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Christmas is so stupid…

Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
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  #2708  
Old 07.01.2019, 14:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What's a politicians favorite footwear?


Flip-flops!



(courtesy of Alexa - my newest jokes source since Xmas )
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  #2709  
Old 08.01.2019, 16:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs ?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place."

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
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  #2710  
Old 11.01.2019, 14:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezo's wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.

-------------------------------------


Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart hall walk into an Irish bar and the barman says

"Oh no, not Yew tree again"

Last edited by MidfieldGeneral; 11.01.2019 at 15:40.
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  #2711  
Old 12.01.2019, 15:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Just read that;

"Only when a bee lands on your testicles you will learn to solve problems without violence"
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  #2712  
Old 29.01.2019, 21:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Brexit walks into a bar.


The barman says "why the long farce?"
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  #2713  
Old 29.01.2019, 21:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It's so cold and windy outside I've just seen a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
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  #2714  
Old 29.01.2019, 21:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

When Canadian road workers found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Toronto and Hamilton, there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

So the government had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief.

However, he was surprised that his detailed study determined that 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, but only 2 percent were killed by car impact.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the reason behind the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn "Cah", but he could not say "Truck".
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  #2715  
Old 31.01.2019, 13:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a postauto and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”
“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”
“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”
The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
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  #2716  
Old 03.02.2019, 00:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

GRAMMAR HUMOUR
Verb vs. Adjective :
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
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  #2717  
Old 03.02.2019, 09:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I know, I know, none of the jokes I post are terrible, they are always great


I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper.

There’s more...
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  #2718  
Old 01.03.2019, 15:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bought my mate an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thank you"

I said, "Don't mention it".
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  #2719  
Old 01.03.2019, 17:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Trying to find parking in the blue zone.
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  #2720  
Old 01.03.2019, 17:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Christmas is so stupid…

Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
Reminds me of a very old German joke.

An ironmonger has his shop right next to a church, and there is a crucifix outside the church.

One day the ironmonger put a sign under the crucifix saying "Schmitz nails last longer".

The priest is furious, storms into the ironmonger's shop and says, take that down at once, it is blasphemy.

So the ironmonger takes the sign done.

Some weeks later the priest puts a sign up, saying "Today is Easter, let us celebrate that Jesus is risen".

The ironmonger added a sign underneath, "if only they had used Schmitz nails".
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