"We are vegans. What can we order in your restaurant?"

"A cab."

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

Her: Undress me with your words...

Him: I saw a spider in your bra.

A man buys a talking centipede for 5000GBP, and takes it home in a small box.
After 30 minutes he opens the box and asks "Would you like to go for a pint?"
The centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

Thinking he's been tricked the man shouts the question again loudly.

The centipede puts his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time. I'm putting my effing shoes on!"

I used to be an engineer, but now I am fine.

I found this joke in a newspaper from back home, I'm not sure if translated sounds as amusing

A drunkard who was spreading a dreadful scent of cheap drink and was carrying a dirty bag, climbs with difficulty into the bus and sits down next to a Catholic priest with a very honourable look.

He takes out of the bag an almost empty bottle and starts drinking with great satisfaction down to the last drop. Then drops the bottle down the aisle and takes out a newspaper.

After a few minutes of reading, he addressed the priest:

"Excuse me, Father, do you know what causes spondylosis?"

"Of course," said the priest, feeling a growing discomfort, on a cold and sarcastic but polite tone. "The factors that lead to spondylosis are: a disorderly life, the companionship of women of questionable quality, the exaggerated consumption of tobacco and alcohol, drunks ending with nights spent in brothels, all of these lead to spondylosis ..."

- "Wooooow! I would have never thought", says the drunk and returns to his newspaper.

The priest, a very kind person though, after thinking of what he said, is addressing the drunk again, this time in a gentle and peaceful tone:

- Excuse me, I did not mean to offend you, since when do you suffer from spondylosis, son?

- Me? Father ... I never suffered like this. I just read in the paper that the Pope has spondylosis.

I just read in the paper a dwarf got pickpocketed.

"Who would stoop so low?"

“Yesterday was a beauty. I put on my shirt and a button fell off...

I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off...

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

What do you get when you mix a locomotive with bubblegum?

A chew chew train

That's a great one, Dinivan.

What do you get when you cross a tape worm with a sea urchin?

Barbed wire.

Graveyards are so popular that everyone is just dying to get in.

Hahahaha...

What's yellow and dangerous?


Shark-infested custard.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?" The horse replies "I don't think I am." And poof! it disappears from existence.

This joke is a reference to the philosopher Descartes and his famous line "I think, therefore I am."

I could have explained this first, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.