"What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"

How did the telephone propose to its girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour ?
Apparently he was suffering from ereptile dysfunction!

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to the dough?
"You're my life's devotion. I knead you".

Kneading is necessary.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

I had a meeting with a microbioligist today, he was bigger than I imagined....

What does a cat play at the piano?

De-bussy.

The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket" .

reminded me of :

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end

It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad. It's a faux pa.

The wife which is away, alone, on a relaxing holiday calls her husband which is at home with his mother in law.

She: Hi Bill how are you?
He: Quite fine, keeping things going and flowing. Mowed the lawn, drank a beer, did the grocery, drank a beer, did some errands, drank a beer. How are you Betsy, enjoying your holiday?
She: Fine as well you ol' drunkard. But I miss our Kitty so much. Can you please take and send a picture of our cat?
He: Hmm, I, mm that is not possible. We have had to take Kitty to the vet and they put her down.
She: Bill you bastard, why would you tell me that when I am on my vacation? You totally ruined it. I am SO upset. You could have simply told a white lie, like Kitty is stuck on the roof and won't come down or something. There was no need to tell me Kitty is gone.
He: Yeahh, o.k., I am sorry.
She: Nevermind Bill. But can I speak to my mother for a moment.
He: Oh, unfortunately she is stuck on the roof and won't come down.

__________________
What?

- How do you make holy water?
- Boil the hell out of it!

I used to have an addiction,

I've been dry for 5 years

It was swimming.

I used to be addicted to soap.

But I'm clean now.

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlate Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says,
“Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase
He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:

"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."

The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:

"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerland, there's no shame in being poor."

Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?


In a Swiss bank account.

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvellous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favourite flower was. Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army knife!

Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.

Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.

"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"

What breakfast cereal do they serve at the Swiss clinic, Dignitas?


Cheerios!

How do you make a swiss roll?



Push him down a hill.