After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.


So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."


One week later, the Israeli newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 meters, Israeli scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using wireless technology.

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a
question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the
Liffey River .

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'Be-Jesus, I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of
me.'

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, ' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my first day driving a cab....................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,
at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young
lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and
allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed
up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically
devours them.
Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her
clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that
you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are
too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our
anniversary but you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover
that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother
my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive
boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same
pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.
When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her
eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use ????"

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has wild sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

A 3 year old boy is playing in the bath, when he starts examining his testicles,
"Mummy, are these my brains?" he asks
"Not yet, darling" she replies, "Not yet".

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to
repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by
doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5

But if you bought £1000 worth of Tenants Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing into his hands.
A kind passer by tries to give him comfort and asks him what's wrong.
"It's terrible. I have met this lovely beautiful young woman who says she loves me. She makes me verry happy and we have incredible sex.", the old man explained.
"But that's great. Why are you crying about it?" asks the do-gooder.
He replies, "I can't remember where she lives!"

After being stranded on a desert island for three months a man decides to go on a trip around the island to see what's on the other side.
After walking for a day he finds a big beach hut so he shouts, "Hello. Anybody there?"
An attractive woman comes out and says, "Hello. What are you doing on this island? Are you here to rescue me?"
"No.", says the man, "I've been shipwrecked here for about three months and just decided to have a look around. It's such a relief to meet someone else. Thank goodness."
She says, "Same here. I've been here for several years now. You look pretty bad, looks like you could do with a bath. Would you like to use mine?"
"What? You've got a bath?", he asks.
"Sure. I've been here so long I had lots of time on my hands, I built some creature comforts. Help yourself.", she says.
So after half an hour having a soak, the man emerges and the woman says, "You're pretty thin looks like you'd like a good hot meal."
"What? I can't believe it. I've been living off vegetation and the odd coconut I found lying around for weeks now.", he says.
So she cooks them a delicious crab, fish and vegetable platter, with some nice fruit juices."
He can't believe his luck and then she tops it all by asking him with a knowing look, "I guess you've been feeling quite lonely and after 3 months maybe there's something else you've been missing that I could offer you."
"Wow, you mean I can read my emails?"

Rude ..................

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ar$e!".

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk
When the milkmanread the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she
probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify
the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I
found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean
2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said,'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.

are you sure this terrible joke is complete?

Oh Sada, you FAIL...
Hint: sound out the word 'pasteurized'

Barbra.

haha Sada ... you fail big time!

Lets put one out of one's misery.

Past your eyes.

Love it - best I heard in ages.

I thought it had to do something with that word "pasteurized" ...
but it just didn't click ... I will go and change my hair color

The last time I checked, Dido was still blonde.

Tamzin too I think

Dido, she's so hot! Who's Tamzin?

is this considered as thread hi-jacking?