Ya hear about the two peanuts that got on the subway? One was a salted.

I missed my bus this morning. I shouldn't get sentimental about public transport.

I missed my dad yesterday, next time I will use a laser sight.

I ran into my ex the other day in the parking lot. Then I backed up, because sometimes I miss him.

So I heard they finally invented a car that runs on water...
... but you have to get the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(RUDE JOKE BELOW)~~~~~~~

So a little boy decides to go fishing with his grandpa they weren't catching much. after an hour or two, the grandpa pulled out a bottle of beer to enjoy.

"Grandpa, can I have some?" the boy (named Johnny) asked.

Now,the grandpa knew he couldn't share with the boy, but he decided to crack a joke. "Johnny, can you fit your penis in your own butthole?"

"Well," said Johnny, "no, I really don't think I can."

"Then no, you can't have any beer."

A little while later, grandpa pulled out a cigar to enjoy. Johnny immediately asked, "Grandpa, can I try?"

Again, Grandpa asked, "Can you put your penis in your own butthole?"

"No," said johnny dejectedly.

"Then I'm sorry - you can't try this cigar."

After another hour or two of not catching any fish, Johnny remembers his mommy packed him a cookie for the trip. He pulls it out and starts eating it. "Say, Johnny, how's about givin' your grandpy a bite of that cookie?"

Johnny asked, "Well, grandpa, can you fit your penis in your own butthole?"

Grandpa, intent on outsmarting Johnny, said, "Why of course I can!"

Johnny replied: "Good, then go yourself. This is my cookie."

__________________
Floccinaucinihilipilification: act of describing something as useless.

Who would you fly?

what sound does the falling hair make?



ptui, pthu..

Why the US will do badly at the World Cup

"Ironman" is a superhero. "Iron woman" is a command.

Q: How many people with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride our bikes?

Well, that's the last time I get in a Cumbrian taxi and 'call shotgun'.

Germany wins Eurovision then four days later an old WWII bomb explodes "unexpectedly".

Carlsberg don't do timely reminders, but if they did....

Q: What's the world's most dangerous ocean?
A: Hepatitis C.


Q: What's the world's most dangerous insect?
A: Hepatitis B.

Is it ok to post a really really offensive jokes? Cause I got the king of distasteful jokes

Well, the worst that can happen is a deleted post or a full week without having to post on EF

Bring it on...

Not if I catch you at it. Though I don't usually read any of the Off Topic Forums so you might have got away with it if you hadn't mentioned it in advance. Now it's too late.

With the advice of a co-worker, I have decided not to.

But on the plus side, he now has a low opinion of me

you can PM it to me....

and me please

Post it somewhere else, and link to it from here with a warning that it's highly offensive ... problem solved!!

Here's an example of an appropriate place in which to post it! Sydney FC Unofficial's "Lame/sick/offensive joke thread: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Just got this very nasty racist joke from a buddy in OZ, read at your own peril.

Deb & I just Fostered an Abbo kid, I got him smack on the back of the head with all six cans, she hit him with five

<wince>

Here's another off-color (and sexist, to boot!) terrible joke (you have been warned):

"What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team?"

"Well, one's a bunch of cunning runts..."