a blond takes her dogs for a walk and a bystander asks her where their names come from?

they are called seiko and swatch - they are watch dogs you know!?!?!

Q. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?









A. It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

A joke for the Brits :

Call me sentimental but when I recycle my empty plastic bottles I feel a bit emotional.
Each time I throw one in the bin I say, "Auf Wiedersehen P.E.T.".

I made this joke up myself which explain why it's so pour.
If you tell it to someone else you'll be reycling a recycling joke. Very eco-friendly.

Not too shabby. If we're on made up jokes, here is one my mate swears he made up.

Have you noticed that African elephants have ears shaped like Africa and Indian elephants have ears shaped like India.

It's kinda spooky really. Almost eerie.

A Blonde Woman gets off a tram.

A man stops her to tell her that one of her breasts is hanging out of her top!

Sh*t! the woman shouts, I left my baby on the bus

Woops ment to type Tram! -

Reminds me of this news item I read today.........
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-jersey-11710712

I dreamt last night that I had written Lord Of The Rings.

Turns out that I was just tolkien in my sleep...

what do you get when you cross a Jehova´s witness with an atheist?

a person knocking on your door every day at 5 oclock

for no reason at all.


Three men were told they had three weeks to live
a German person , a British person and a Jewish person.

The German person goes to the pub to drink as many beers as possible
before he dies

The Brit goes to the garden to plant as many roses as possible before he dies

and the Jewish person goes to another doctor for second opinion


How do we know Jesus was Jewish ?

Because he lived at home till he was 30
he followed his father´s profession
and his mother thought he was god.


now for the piece de resistance:

Why do swiss people make perfect lab animals for testing drugs?

because they look like people but you can´t get emotionally attached to them ---

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears.
They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They
would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go
to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from
your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your
baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed,

"This is the answer to our prayers!"

Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

__________________
Gone, deleted account, left forum.

A few weeks ago I entered some jokes in the new Comedy Store charity joke contest. First I picked twenty but I decided to hone it down only to the best, so I got rid of half of them. I was really hoping at least one of them would win, unfortunately I've just found out no pun in ten did.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?













Bunny farts.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss , but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda

Two potatoes are standing on the street. How do you know which one is a prostitute?

The one that says, "Idaho."

What do you get when you cross a Jehova´s witness with an Hell's Angels member?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to F&@k off.

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself,she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed.

Later that night,her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed,falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again,grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him.
The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet,he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused and as he walks back into the room, notices a similar red ribbon wrapped round the dog's testicles.He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!'

__________________
That's for me to know.......and you NOT to find out!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a steamtrain.
He was chuffed to bits.



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!



I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.



A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'



My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.



Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’
I bought her scales.




Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their
newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....

I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.



Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

__________________
That's for me to know.......and you NOT to find out!

Ah, had to repost this one - from a football forum.

I got in a load of trouble at the farm recently with my German boss.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses in his arse......




..........Doctors have described his condition as "stable."