I can understand why this humour section is somewhere in the forums where groans are disabled.

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.

The man explains, “In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him — he really didn’t come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be re-united with my son.”

Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, “Father?”

The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, “Pinocchio?”

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HEAVEN IS A BATHTUB WITH BOOKS THAT DON'T GET WET

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?














A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Good one Chemmie.

Try this one on for size...

What is the difference between a Fly and a Mosquito ?


















A Fly can fly, but a Mosquito cannot mosquito.

What's the difference between a ram and a sheep?





You can't sheep your c[that's enough of that - ed]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman??










Mick Jagger says "Hey you, get off my cloud!" and a Scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"

they asked a dumb: What is closer, the moon or miami?
Dumb: Of course the moon, cause you can actually see it.

My friend told me I didn't understand the concept of irony.















Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop.

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only suffered super-fish-oil injuries.

Level of stress: you give lift to a beautiful girl, she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful..

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father, you say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful...

To prove, you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests the doctor says that you are infertile.
You are relieved, but extremely stressed....

On your way back home, You remember that You have 3 Kids at Home.....

NOW THAT'S REAL STRESS!!! )

__________________

Why did the bicycle fall over?








.......It was two tyred
(*boom tish*)

My other friend said I'm too patronizing














... (that's when you talk down to someone in a condescending way, as if they're stupid).

Girl in a short skirt and no knickers at the top of the stairs on a London bus shouts down to the conductor," Is this Ealing?"
The conductor replied, "Farcking Hell, from where I'm standing it looks like it could do with a few stiches".



I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and carrots so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday

London riots update:

My mate Paddy was involved in the looting of Argos. If you need a catalogue he's got 500 in his flat.


A looter broke into Ladbrokes and lost £50 on an accumulator at Goodwood.


The 1st conviction made is by DFS. The thug, rioter was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit.


Apparently a rioter tried to loot from the shopping channel.

Q. What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

A. One's a superhero, and the other is a command.

I took my niece to a petting zoo at the local park. There was a lovely African Grey parrot, which she started tickling on the tummy. An attendant came up and barked really nastily that she should “only stroke it on the back”. I was fuming, and barked back how on earth could she be expected to know that, and why shout? It really is polly-tickle correctness gone mad!


Went went on to this new place that’s trying to compete as a cheaper version of London Zoo. However when I got there there, outrageously all the cages were empty except for one which just had a small dog in it.
– It was a Shih-tzu!


We went on for a meal in KFC and saw a rather unexpected press release. It reports they’ve been working on genetically modifying chickens and have now developed, nurtured and grown a new flock which all have eight legs. Apparently they taste great, they just can’t catch them.

__________________
"I'll say I can't tell you when, But if my spirit is strong, I know it can't be long, No questions I'm not alone, Somehow I'll find my way home" Rod

......so I asked my friend from New Zealand how many sexual partners he's had,













he started counting and fell asleep.

Is it ironic that I am posting this here- a joke that I don't understand?

Here's the joke - if you understand it please explain. It's from a young man in London if that's any help.

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

It's ironic in that the alluded example of irony lacks or does not display/reveal any irony yet the joke as a whole is a fine display of irony, but dramatic irony, insomuch as the reader/audience is aware of the irony coming from a joke about irony lacking any irony whatsoever. Ironic eh ?

Is it ironic that I posted that joke just over 10 posts earlier?