One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

A gay guy walks into a bar, gets a drink and then sits down next to a Scouser. The gay guy then asks the Scouser "Do you want a bl*wjob?".

Immediately the Scouser picks up his pint glass and starts beating the gay guy almost to death. As the bar man pulls the Scouser back and subdues him he asks " What the hell did he say to upset you so much?".

The Scouser responds "I don't know, but it was something about a job."

¨
Why don`t Americans have a sense of humour?

Because they think irony as the same as silvery or coppery ......

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. i Wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean......" he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes "..................

I can check my e-mail from here?

Footprints in the custard.



Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?

To hide in custard.

Ever see an elephant hiding in custard?

Shows how well it works.

How do you know if there is an elephant in your bed?
He's the one with the "E" on his pyjamas!



What do 4 elephants play in a mini?
Squash.



what's brown and green and if it fell from a tree it could kill you?
A snooker table.

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff

What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath

Did we go to the same primary school?

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked the class to name an animal and say what that animal eats.

Little Mary: puts up her hand and Miss,,, Miss... A cow Miss.
Teacher: Very good Mary, and what does a cow eat?
Litttle Mary: Grass Miss.
Teacher: Very good Mary.

Little Billy puts up his hand and shouts out: Horse Miss,
Teacher: Very good Billy, and what does a horse eat?
Little Billy: Hay miss.
Teacher: Very good Billy.

Little Johnny jumps up at the back of the class and shouts out Vibrator Miss...
The teacher is a little shocked, and asks Johhny does he know what a vibrator is.

Johnny replies,


I don't know what it is miss, but my sister says it feckin eats batteries!!!

__________________
This message is a natural product. The variations in spelling and grammar enhance it's individual character.

Interested in skiing, Snowboarding or Mountain Biking in Switzerland? Information in English available here.

We're probably related - dont I recognise you? Arent you my long lost 3rd-cousin-once-removed? And we havent seen one another since we were knee high to a grass-hopper?

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Could you write a note! for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

Thought it was twice removed, but great gran aunt Gertrude could have mixed that one up... She really was a dotty old bat.

What's the definition of thirst?
A man sitting in the desert drinking the sweat out of his socks

What's the definition of honesty?
A pregnant woman on the bus paying for two

What's the definition of meanness?
The conductor saying "it might be twins"

What's the definition of bad aim?
A pregnant mattress

What's the definition of practice?
A pregnant teddy bear

What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for worms.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

62.77 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Had completely forgotten that one!

What do you call an Irishman with a spade? Doug
What do you call an Irishman without a spade? Douglass
What do you call an Irishman with a gun? Sir
What do you call a deaf Irishman? Anything you like, he can't hear you.

What's white and would would kill you if it fell out of a tree?




A fridge.

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls
into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees
that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Brother; he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad accent,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush,
and my dad says it will take the contagious."