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  #1141  
Old 26.04.2013, 14:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive
On the topic of hidden affairs:

A man walked into the doctors and Doctor saw his state and goes "My God, what happened to you?" Man replied "I came back from Night Shift and saw a man in my bedroom with my wife. Before I could get to him I saw him running away downstairs whilst he was wearing his clothes and getting away. So I lifted my fridge up and threw it at him". Doctor says "Heres some antibiotics, take 3 times a day, it will cure your back problem"...

Second day another man walks into the same doctors office. Doctor shouts out "Jesus! What happened to you?". Second man replies "I was running late for my new job and I was dressing up on the way to work...Out of nowhere a fridge came and hit me!" Doctor replies "OK heres a note and give it to your employer, need to admit you to hospital..."

Third day, another man crawled into the office and was in such a shape Doctor goes "HOLY SHIT...What the hell happened to you!!!" Third man replied "I was in bed with another mans wife, he came home, I had to hide in the fridge and next minute I know, the fridge got thrown off the balcony!"...

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  #1142  
Old 01.06.2013, 15:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the collection plate is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.
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  #1143  
Old 12.06.2013, 12:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Every time I leave my house, I'm followed by a bird with long legs.
I think I'm being storked.
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  #1144  
Old 12.06.2013, 19:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


A wife says to her husband,"what would you do if I won Lotto?"

He says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies,
"I won $12 , here's $6 - now piss off!"
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  #1145  
Old 24.07.2013, 07:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What does a general in the army do when he finds, via his twitter feed, that he's losing the battle?

He orders a re-tweet.
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  #1146  
Old 03.08.2013, 17:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two Guys from Bern on a train.

One Guy's carrying a bag, and it's moving!

"Wot jer got in der bag"? asked one.

"Rabitz"! replied the other.

"If I tel yer ow many Rabitz yer got in der bag, will yer gimmi one"? was asked

The other one raised an eyebrow, and said, "Now that's clever! If yer can tell mi ow many Rabitz I got, I 'll give yer both of them"!

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  #1147  
Old 03.08.2013, 17:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

thanks for posting them
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  #1148  
Old 14.08.2013, 15:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

two Italian men and one Italian woman

two French men and one French woman

two German men and one German woman

two Greek men and one Greek woman

two English men and one English woman

two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

two American men and one American woman

two Irish men and one Irish woman

two Indian men and one Indian woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/ convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she’s missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they’re satisfied, because at least the English aren’t having any fun.

As for the Indian men .... they are still waiting for the Indian woman to approach them.
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  #1149  
Old 15.08.2013, 18:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya tick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

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  #1150  
Old 18.08.2013, 23:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Indian Men wife was expecting & the baby was due any day.

Indian Men was very confident it would be a boy & was looking 4wd to the delivery day.As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to go immediately.

B4 going, he asked his father-in-law to send a telegram confirming the birth of his son.

But in order to avoid giving a party to his office colleagues, he asked his father-in-law to write 'the clock has arrived' & he will understand that the son in born.

The D-day arrived.His wife delivered a cute little baby girl.

Now Indian Men father-in-law didn't know what to do.If he writes "the clock has arrived" My son in law will think he has a son.If he writes "the clock has not arrived", son in law would get worried that something serious has happened.

Being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution and sends the telegram

Just read below

Son in law received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads

"the clock has arrived,but the pendulum is missing"..
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  #1151  
Old 02.09.2013, 14:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

They were running an essay competition at my local library to be based on the Freudian Oedipus complex...

So I entered my Mum.
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  #1152  
Old 02.09.2013, 15:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

West Ham winning the Premiership.
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  #1153  
Old 12.09.2013, 16:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A thousand hectopascals go into a bar...
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  #1154  
Old 12.09.2013, 16:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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A thousand hectopascals go into a bar...
Thats funny!!!

Here, equally as nerdy (and my own original):

Who is the Sith Overlord of the phreatic zone?
Darth Vadose.
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  #1155  
Old 12.09.2013, 17:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
In my marriage I always had to do my own... err... "ironing".
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  #1156  
Old 12.09.2013, 17:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My wife had a black belt in cooking. One of her chops and you were a dead man.
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  #1157  
Old 16.09.2013, 14:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A duck and a chicken were at the side of the road. The duck was about to cross when the chicken said "Dont do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

(I don't get it)
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  #1158  
Old 16.09.2013, 14:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Another one from the Open forum, ghastly:

I just used my Oragami skills to make some Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles out of paper.
They're about to face thier nemesis soon.....Shredder!
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  #1159  
Old 16.09.2013, 14:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Better:

On the building site i saw a sign that read 'Wear Ear protection'

That was sound advice
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  #1160  
Old 16.09.2013, 14:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

thieves stole all the local police station toilets

police say they have nothing to go on
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