A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a dump."

(It is an image, so I cannot edit)

You can now get insurance for sex in uk !!

So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-

sex with your wife - legal & general.
Sex on the telephone - direct line
sex with your partner - standard life
sex with someone different - go compare
sex with a lady of generous proportions - more than
sex on the back seat of a car - sheila's wheels
sex with a prostitute - commercial union
sex with your maid - employer's liability
sex with an oap - saga
sex resulting in pregnancy - general accident
and finally
sex with a transvestite - confused.com
****************
make sure you are adequately covered

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

A little old lady had a parrot that swore like a trooper. One morning she had just taken the cover off it’s cage when she saw the vicar coming up the path so she rapidly replaced the cover before letting him in. As he came into the room a voice from under the cover said “Christ! That was a ing short day!

Just in- The inventor of yodelling has died.


Sadly, so did his little old lady too.

Sad news, the inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

Sex is a lot like math. You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

With absolutely no disrespect or frivolity intended due to the current Ebola situation...

A man goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive, expensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty condition, which is extremely contagious!”

“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness ... but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy ... but remember the SOB's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you ... when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive ... only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems ... but then neither does milk.

BONUS TRUTH
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband


AND ONE FOR THE ROAD (not necessarily a joke)
A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a dead body.

Q: What is Dean Martin's favourite eel?

A: That's a moray.

If there are so many misconceptions in science, how do scientists manage to have babies?

Aaah. Hahahah. I love my bad joke feed. Corny word puns are great, too.

Yep, word puns, they're the best sort of puns.

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a 100 francs if you let me screw you," but the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 200 francs, pick up the money very fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

30 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She said, "The bastard used coins!"

Moral of the story: Always examine a deal thoroughly, otherwise you will get screwed.

This post does not in any way promote or advocate rape, or sex without consent

Word!*


And here's thanks to Tim Vine...

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.


* Some of you might be too old to get this one...

"Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie," until you can find a rock."

- Will Rogers

This post does not advocate or endorse cruelty to animals

- Mum, am I adopted?

- Riiiight, do you think we would have chosen you???