and it sucked

or this

...and some of them blow as well.

or this ...

Two monkeys in the bath.

One says 'Ooh ooh ooh.'

'Put some cold in then', says the other.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jam in

My wife just asked me to do that thing from The Full Monty.

So I stood up and started singing 'You can leave your hat on' as I unbuttoned my shirt and swayed my hips from side to side..........

"NO" she interrupted "Get down the ing job centre you lazy sod".

Had a nasty fall from the bike at the weekend. I thought I'd damaged my hip, but the X-ray has thankfully given me the all clear:

You know you're broke when a pickpocket steals your wallet, then returns to throw it right back at your face yelling, "Dammit you bum, get a job!"

See what you did to the bike!!

Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how does he determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No,' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?'

As usual, science is never absolute. Take this one, however, with an extra grain of salt....

Homeless man with dog on string. Handwritten cardboard sign: "talking dog for sale £5".

Passerby: "I say, is that really a talking dog?"

Dog: "I most certainly am"

Passerby (to homeless man): "£5 seems like a very low price for a talking dog. I reckon you could get a lot more than that for him"

Homeless man: "Yes but I just want a quick sale"

Passerby: "But that's ridiculous! If you play your cards right, this dog could make you rich!"

Homeless man: "Maybe you're right, but I just want rid of him"

Dog: "Hang on a second. Here you both are talking about buying and selling me as if I were just a piece of meat, but I am a sentient individual with thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams. And not only can I talk, I am also a virtuoso jazz clarinetist. I can recite several Shakespearean sonnets. I am also a keen theoretical mathematician, and can differentiate and integrate polynomial and trigonometrical formulae with ease. I speak Swahili fluently. And did I mention that I hold an honorary masters degree from Vladivostock Technical College?"

Passerby "But this is amazing! I am flabbergasted! How can you even think of selling such a talented dog?"

Homeless man: "I'm just sick of all the lies"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman "have you seen my brother here?"

The barman relies "I dunno....what's he look like?"

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: "Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign: "Don"t miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well laddie" said the Scot "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be".

A man received the following text from his neighbour ....
"I am so sorry mate, I have been riddled with guilt and I have to confess that
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around,
in fact, more than you.

I do not get it at home, but I know that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again".
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Sorry mate ...Bloody text autocorrect ...
....I meant "wifi", not "wife” . . . . . sorry."

Whats the definiton of Confusion ?
Fathers day in Jamaica

A man walks into a library, and shouts:

"GIVE ME ALL MONEY THIS IS A BANK ROBBERY"

librarian: "you do realise this is a library?"

man <whispering> "oh sorry. give me all your money this is a bank robbery"

An English lawyer went grouse shooting on Tayside. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

“I shot a grouse and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is mah property, wee man. Yer no comin over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in London and, if you don’t let me get that bird, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “This is Scotlan, pal. Yer out eh yer jurisdiction. Here oan Tayside we settle wee disputes wi the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs oan mah land, ah get tae go first. Ah kick yeh three times and then yeh kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I gie up. Yeh can huv the grouse.”

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”