A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

An atheist, a vegan and a gym-junkie walk into a bar.








We only know this because they told everyone within two minutes.

What do you get when you cross two extreme ideologies?

A third world war.

A blonde is at a cashier in a supermarket and asks: "Can I get a plastic bag, please?"

Cashier: "What about the magic word?"

The blonde thinks a little and says: "Abraca dabra plastic bag?"

nice one

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

A: Bacon and legs.

Was the cashier blonde too?

Irony: The look of a shirt which appears smooth but actually was not pressed.


Sorry, really bad self-referencing humour attempt

Indeed.

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

There are M&M shells all over the floor.

Why did a blonde put sugar on her bed?

Because she wanted sweet dreams!

Aww...I really like that one.

This joke must have been said before somewhere in this thread...

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the business class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in business class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her business class isn't going to London."

The Newfie and the Genie

A drunk Newfie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The Newfie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
A bottle appears in front of the Newfie. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Newfie being very content starts walking away.
"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well," replies the Newfie, "Give me TWO more of these!"

Bob and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander , NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bob said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz... You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bob says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bob says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing... Have you farted yet?"
Bob says, "No....."
"Well," Jim says, "DON'T! I'm in Thunder Bay!"

I went to the fun fair the other day and tried to buy a balloon for my kid.

"That'll be $50, please," said the seller.

"That's expensive! How can it cost $50 just for a single balloon?" I asked.

"Inflation."

The UK Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A641 between Brighouse and Huddersfield recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The Highways agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry.

A blonde is at her destination after hailing down a cab and being driven there.

"That'll be ten dollars, please," says the cabbie.

"I only have nine dollars," says the blonde, "Could you reverse up half a mile?"

What does Batman like in his drinks?

Just ice.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F...k it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's pissed.'

A man checking out a blonde lady in the supermarket, notices that she has been examining a carton of orange juice for a considerable length of time, so he decides to ask if he can offer any help, as perhaps she doesn't understand English.


She looks at him and says "no its OK the carton, says concentrate so that's what I'm doing".

A blind man walked into a bar one night. One of the patrons at the bar saw him and helped him get to a barstool and get a drink. After a few minutes, the blind man leaned over to his new friend and said, "I just heard the world's best blonde joke. Would you like to hear it?"

The other man said, "Friend, before you say another word, there's something you need to know."

"What's that?" the blind man asked.

"There are five people besides you in this bar. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. There are two women sitting at the end of the bar. One is an off-duty police officer, and the other is a Marine Corps gunnery sergeant, and they're both blond. I'm six-foot-four, two hundred and sixty pounds, and I've got a third degree black belt in karate, and I'm blonde.

"So," the man concluded, "Are you sure you really want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thought about it for a minute and said, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

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