A student is sitting at an exam and a teacher who is quizzing him asks: "So what happens when two people are talking and one of them knows nothing?"

Student keeps still and says "Well, the other one is going to get an F and go home".

Oh, yeah - I think it might be regional, Roubitchek is our celebrated archetype, indeed, within our own Jewish humor. I wouldn't sanitize a terrible joke thread, tbh, would all blonde jokes become racist then as well...or selectively misogynistic, probably. (There is actually a really interesting part of pragma linguistic dealing with humor transfer and understanding inter-culturally, I have a great book by Goatly called "Meaning and Humor" if that interests anyone.)


A blonde orders a pizza and she gets asked if she wants to have it cut in 6 or 12 slices. "6 please, 12 is too much food".

__________________
"L'homme ne peut pas remplacer son coeur avec sa tete, ni sa tete avec ses mains." J.H.Pestalozzi

ἀρχὴ ἥμισυ παντός

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over.', said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

I have given up sexual innuendo for Lent.

It's pretty hard.

"Miss, I just peed myself"

"Oh, Jenny! Why didn't you put your hand up?"

"I did. It ran through my fingers."

I think I might reverse my pov on sanitation


Anyways, this is not so bad...just a little bit:

There are a Czech, a British guy, a Yank and a Russian flying in a plane. When the plane catches on fire and they find out there are only 3 parachutes, they have to decide who will survive. The Russian says: "As a member of the most intelligent nation, I have a right to survive" and jumps off. Then the Yank gets ready to jump while saying: "As a member of the richest nation, I have the right to save myself" and jumps off. Then the Brit says with his British calm: "I would have the right to the last parachute but as a gentleman - you can have it" when the Czech retorts with the typical stoicism: "We can both jump, since the member of the most intelligent nation launched himself off with my backpack".

__________________
"L'homme ne peut pas remplacer son coeur avec sa tete, ni sa tete avec ses mains." J.H.Pestalozzi

ἀρχὴ ἥμισυ παντός

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

The nurse applies the medication.

Doctor: "This is gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a cheque for $100.

Doctor: "But this is $100..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing.

A young man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $4500.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique", he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $33000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?" "I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".

Monday morning, a very irritated jeweler phones the man. "You lied there's no money in that account."

"I know, but you CAN'T imagine what a Fantastic WEEKEND I had????"

My friend, a circus clown, was looking rather glum.

"They say my bit isn't funny," he says, "I have to pick up my act or I'll be the laughing stock of the circus".

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong


A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

original source here: http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2015/03/08/...iz5ZDU.twitter

I thought parsley farming would be a lucrative career, but they kept garnishing my wages.

So I switched to successful career as a professional scarecrow. My skills were so good, I've been described as Outstanding in the Field.

I thought about changing careers and going into dog grooming.


Unfortunately, very few have Facebook or Bebo accounts though...

this is a classic, Clement Freud's £20 joke:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g17DL1YJ730

That was awesome. The recent bad joke feed has been great.

A man goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, every time I drink coffee my eye hurts". Doctor says, "Next time you drink coffee take the spoon out".

A squirrel is in a pine tree, when all of a sudden, it starts shaking. He looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

"What are you doing? Why are you climbing my tree?" the squirrel calls down to the elephant.

"I'm coming up there to eat some pears!" the elephant responds.

"You fool! This is a pine tree! There aren't any pears up here!"

The elephant looks perplexed for a moment, and then says, "Well I brought my own pears."

A monkey was siting on a tree, smoking pot.
A lizard passed by and saw him.
Lizard: “Hey, bro, what’s up?”
Monkey: “Just smokin' some pot. Want some?”
After a few puffs, lizard said: "I’m so thirsty. I am going down to the river for some water."
Lizard goes to the river but fell in the water.
A crocodile saved the lizard and asked what happened.
“I’m smoking some pot with a monkey and you know…”
“Where?” asked crocodile.
“Over there, on that tree.”
Crocodile crawled to the tree but before he said anything, the monkey exclaimed,
“Wow, bro, how much water did you drink?!”

NOTICE!



Guilty as charged.

"Ok, kids, who answers the next question can go home!"
Joe picks up his school bag and throws it out of the window.
"Who threw the bag out??" yells the teacher, all livid.
"I did", says Joe, "since I am on my way out."