I thought they'd split up?

Never trust a single atom. Way too radical.

They just need a bit of bonding, and everything'll be fine.

Although I knew this joke with two Jamaican men, here it goes...

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

American humor

Attached Thumbnails

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

_________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

It's Friday.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda

ISIS will open Peepers in Mosul

http://dandygoat.com/women-of-isis-t...iendly-hooters

Subject: Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general all in the name of humour!"

The young ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ----------- I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

Why don’t Volkswagen hold Christmas Services? They get the readings wrong.

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side.

Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? He gets to open the door to number 10.

Why were Jeremy Clarkson’s colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they’d been floored by his punch.

My mate from Liverpool has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.

I asked him which website he found them on, he said, ‘Google Earth’

This guy with no arms goes up to an ice cream vendor and asks for a cone.

The vendor asks "do you want a topping on that?"

The guy says "No, I'm only going to drop it anyway."