If you want to catch a squirrel, just climb up a tree and act like a nut.

reminds me of..

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Just as I was about to shoot myself (if I had a gun). Please - keep them going ;-)

Speaking of music, there's only two or three Motown bands I really like. Maybe four tops.

I've just been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I was told I needed to get a hearing aid fitted a few years ago but I never heard anything after.

I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.

Two old women were sat on a beach when a male streaker runs past....

One had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

you can always go back to page 1, they are still funny the next time around

Will definitely get me through the night, and get those funny hormones pumping. Thank you Mädels

Thanks for the tip. Here goes...

Just one more, MC - I need to go to bed..

Me too...tired as hell. Sleep tight.