A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colony
History professor: Have you read Marx?
Psychology professor: Yes. I think it's from the wicker chairs.

A prof is telling students the exam on the following day will be important and the only excuse accepted will be a death in the family or a serious medical condition.

"What about an extreme sexual fatigue?" asks a smarmy student.

"I think in that case you will have to quickly learn to write with the other hand".

A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.

"Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel.

"I'm here to eat some apples." says the cow.

"But this is a pine tree!"


"I know, I brought my own apples."

might be seen already

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"Sweetheart, can you cover your mouth when yawning?" grandmother asks her grand-kid.

"No worries, my teeth won't fall out."

Burt Bacharach asks Sean Connery who his favourite composer is.

Sean answers "Schubert"

Burt replies "Why thank you, Sean, I'm flattered."

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record store

...and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."

The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.

I just paid €72 for a goldfish at the fair.

Nothing special about it, I'm just useless at darts.

Manchester United have cancelled Marouane Fellaini's birthday celebration and crossed their fingers.

BREAKING NEWS:

A man who took an airline to court after his luggage went missing, has lost his case.

"Mom, I will never go back to school" Annie is crying.

"Why, darling?"

"All the kids are very mean. They hate me."

"But you have to. You are the teacher!"

:d

Gotta get me a cardboard signpost like that.. wonder if it would work on the kids