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Old 27.02.2008, 10:44
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Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"...How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go
for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today."
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So
that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

"My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
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  #2  
Old 27.02.2008, 10:59
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Re: terrible jokes

Thanks for the laugh where did you find all those jokes?
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  #3  
Old 27.02.2008, 11:06
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Re: terrible jokes

I've just kept loads of them from friends I've recieved over time.
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Old 27.02.2008, 11:08
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Re: terrible jokes

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I've just kept loads of them from friends I've recieved over time.
Thanks for sharing with us must of taken you ages to write all of them
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  #5  
Old 27.02.2008, 11:12
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Re: terrible jokes

great stuff.... brightened my day a lot!!
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  #6  
Old 27.02.2008, 11:52
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Re: terrible jokes

It's the great man Tommy Cooper! "Two aerials got married, I went to the wedding but the reception was bad!"

More Tommy Cooper jokes
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  #7  
Old 11.12.2012, 15:37
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Christian joke, not for Muslims! Whom get upset too easily...

Thought you might like this one!! This joke is Not for Muslims



Cairns International Airport

(You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the Far North. )
Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others.... Queenslanders can be so polite!
Cairns Tower : "Saudi Air 511 - You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Cairns . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Cairns Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Cairns . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi Air : " CAIRNS TOWER - CAIRNS TOWER !"
Cairns Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. .. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"


Cairns Tower
: "Well bless your hearts, and praise to Jesus.
Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said hi."
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Old 11.12.2012, 18:25
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Re: Christian joke, not for Muslims! Whom get upset too easily...

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Thought you might like this one!! This joke is Not for Muslims
I think you overslept. It's not the seventies any more.
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  #9  
Old 28.12.2012, 15:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Q: How many NRA spokesmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: More guns
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  #10  
Old 31.12.2012, 08:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bigamy is having one partner too many, and monogamy is the same...
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  #11  
Old 31.12.2012, 09:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Q: How many NRA spokesmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: More guns
They'll just shoot the bad lightbulb?
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  #12  
Old 11.12.2012, 15:38
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Re: terrible jokes

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Thanks for the laugh where did you find all those jokes?
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  #13  
Old 27.02.2008, 16:30
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Re: terrible jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma are sitting on the front porch talking,
when one says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other turns to her and says,

"Hellooooooo? Can you SEE Florida?"


Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary for surgery. As she lay her pet duck on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner cried out, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes, and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, and also sniffed delicately
at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150.00", she cried, "£150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now £150.00........."
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Old 21.06.2008, 10:24
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Re: terrible jokes

Swisscath - I love the duck joke - made me really lol
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  #15  
Old 21.06.2008, 22:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who was invited to a toga party?

He turned up dressed as a goat.
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  #16  
Old 23.06.2008, 17:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One day KFC went to the Pope with a proposition.

They offered him $10,000 to change the Lord's Prayer from
"Give us this day, our daily bread." to
"Give us this day, our daily chicken"

The Pope said no as the Lord's Prayer is sacred and it would be outrageous to change it.

So the next day KFC came to him with an offer of $50,000 to change the Lord's Prayer from
"Give us this day, our daily bread." to
"Give us this day, our daily chicken"

Again, the Pope said no.

So, after a meeting with the directors at KFC, they finally offered the Pope $1,000,000 to change the Lord's Prayer from
"Give us this day, our daily bread." to
"Give us this day, our daily chicken"

The Pope thought about it and eventually came to the conclusion that that amount of money could help the church alot. So he agreed.

The next day, the Pope called a meeting with all his cardinals and bishops. He said:
"Okay, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, we have a new deal with KFC.

The bad news is we've lost the deal with Hovis."

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Last edited by swisscath; 23.06.2008 at 17:13. Reason: replace previous joke
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Old 23.06.2008, 17:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Erm, Swisscath, while I'm a regular fan of your (really bad) jokes, this one might not be that suitable for this forum....

Barbra.

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When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife "

Last edited by BHBT; 23.06.2008 at 17:23.
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Old 27.02.2008, 18:10
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evening funny

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
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  #19  
Old 27.02.2008, 19:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a man in the sea with no arms or legs? Bob
Man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
Man with houses either side of him - Ali
A dear with no eyes? No idea
A dear with no legs or eyes? Still no idea
Will ask the girl for some more tomorrow.
Her favourite, what's brown and sticky - A stick
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  #20  
Old 27.02.2008, 20:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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what's brown and sticky - A stick

Joker: Whats brown and sticky?

Mr Smith: ?

Joker: A stick

Joker: Whats brown and nutty?

Mr Smith: A Nut?

Joker: No, squirrel shit.
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