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Old 20.12.2006, 15:19
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Men's stuff

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

Why Men Are Happier Than Women!

1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
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Old 20.12.2006, 15:36
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Re: Men's stuff

lmao, excellent
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Old 20.12.2006, 16:00
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Re: Men's stuff

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 14,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
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  #4  
Old 20.12.2006, 17:37
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Re: Men's stuff

Just Following Orders

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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Old 20.12.2006, 20:43
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Re: Men's stuff

Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!
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Old 25.01.2007, 16:00
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Re: Men's stuff -Great moments in British journalism

Some classic moments in journalism

Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no
different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."
(Jimmy Hill - BBC)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field." (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"

Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train
first?" 15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

(BBC Radio 4)
Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule,we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."

Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"
Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."

Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald:
"Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw
that." (BBC)
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Old 23.04.2007, 14:26
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Re: Men's stuff

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Old 23.04.2007, 14:50
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Re: Men's stuff

That's brilliant! Made my day.

Quote:
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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  #9  
Old 09.05.2007, 18:34
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Re: Men's stuff

Husband ( a doctor) & his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage & say , 'aND U ARE NO GOOD IN BAD EITHER," & STROM OUT THE HOUSE . aFTER SOME TIME HE REALIZES HE WAS NASTY & DECIDES TO MAKE AMENDS & RINGS HER UP . sFE COME TO THE PHONE AFTER MANY RINGS, & THE IRRITATED HUSBAND SAYS, " wHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO ANSWER TO THE PHONE ?" She says, ''I was in bad." "In bad this early , doing what ?" " Getting a second opinion!"
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Old 09.05.2007, 18:42
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Re: Men's stuff

men's english ; 1. I am hungry = I am hungry , 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy, 3. Iam tired = Iam tired , 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I Love u = Let's have sex now , 6. Iam bord = Do u want to have sex ?, 7. May Ihave this dance ?= I'd like to have sex with you , 8. Can I call u sometime ? =I'd like to have sex with you , 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you, 10. Can Itake you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you , 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
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Old 09.05.2007, 19:57
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Re: Men's stuff

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."

The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."

The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."

The brunette cut in "You cant use Jack Daniels. Thats a hard liquor."

A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"
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  #12  
Old 19.05.2007, 20:12
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Re: Men's stuff

As a *girl*, I probably shouldn't put this in,, still,,,
Here are 'the men's rules'

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
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Old 19.05.2007, 20:36
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Re: Men's stuff

Seems an appropriate place to put one of the finest speeches about the difference between men and women I have ever seen/heard.

It's from Coupling and stems from the husbands annoyance that his girlfriend has taken the lock off the toilet door....

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Old 19.05.2007, 20:54
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Re: Men's stuff

Tim. Have you seen the error message that appears when the video is clicked on?

On another note, I think Coupling was one of the most enjoyable, funny sitcoms ever. Strange thing is, all my UK friends have never heard of it. I bought all three series on DVD.
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Old 19.05.2007, 20:57
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Re: Men's stuff

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Tim. Have you seen the error message that appears when the video is clicked on?

On another note, I think Coupling was one of the most enjoyable, funny sitcoms ever. Strange thing is, all my UK friends have never heard of it. I bought all three series on DVD.
Oooops...hadn't noticed that

Here's the full link...Men and toilets...the love that dare not speak its name

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXxl_A-ocYk
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Old 19.05.2007, 21:02
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Re: Men's stuff

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Seems an appropriate place to put one of the finest speeches about the difference between men and women I have ever seen/heard.

It's from Coupling and stems from the husbands annoyance that his girlfriend has taken the lock off the toilet door....


I got to see it, albeit a bit shakey and you know,,, I absolutely agree, about the Pot pourrie for one thing....

As far as the door/lock goes,,, well,,,, God YES!!!! I don't wanna know....
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Old 19.05.2007, 21:18
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Re: Men's stuff

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Tim. Have you seen the error message that appears when the video is clicked on?

On another note, I think Coupling was one of the most enjoyable, funny sitcoms ever. Strange thing is, all my UK friends have never heard of it. I bought all three series on DVD.
Coupling was just amazing.
Was like seeing the Python's coming back to life, but with women among them and mixed with Benny Hill!!!!!!!
The chapter of "Lesbian Hell Spanking" is for me one of he best ever done.
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Old 19.05.2007, 21:30
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Re: Men's stuff

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Coupling was just amazing.
Was like seeing the Python's coming back to life, but with women among them and mixed with Benny Hill!!!!!!!
The chapter of "Lesbian Hell Spanking" is for me one of he best ever done.
A few weeks ago I was able to watcgh the first two series all layed out nicely on youtube. i think they've taken off the "S1E1" to "SE2E8" references now in place of named excerpts, although a couple of full episodes and series 4 seem to be on there still.

Agreeing with earlier comments... thought it was excellent and yet not many people seemed to have picked up on it. I have mates who love that kind of stuff and yet have never heard of it! For anyone not having seen it I'd avise being patient and picking it up from series one episode 1. it's well worth it. Jeff is a complete legend and some of the "Man truths" that come out in the series like "what are hell are cushions for anyway?" (when asked to pick a colour) are the things you've always thought but never got around to expressing
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Old 20.05.2007, 02:21
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Re: Men's stuff

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

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Old 20.05.2007, 04:26
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Re: Men's stuff

must thank you for great post , I like that you good thats was so true ,but don't forget honey as a man you all pay for thise so let me ask you , it's man or women rules? think 1 min b4 u answear , ok 30 min 2 go 15 sec left , well agree with me its womean world , just lets go to the point , if we girls don't get what we want nigther do you , we can let you go stiffed for hour day month , so here again the big Q, who rulles the world ? womannnnnnnnnnn alway did alway will !!!!!! & if u smart as my housband u batter agree with me , as sooner u know it , ur life will be much sweether ...
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