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Old 03.10.2008, 13:30
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50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Apologies in advance to those of you not from 'God's Own Country' and who can't understand a word of this thread.


50 pure dead giveaways that you are Scottish

1. Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly
wind, is your idea of good weather.

2. The only sausage you like is square.

3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high
school.

4. You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an
idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and
Baltic is cold.

5. You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as long
as its deep fried ? Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken
and battered Mars Bars.

6. You used to love destroying your teeth with ? Penny Dainties, Wham
Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.

7. You always greet people by talking about the weather.

8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon
Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a club
abroad. (in fact you'll probably ask the DJ to play it)

9. You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotland play a
diddy team.

10. You are proud that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and
smoking deaths in Europe.

11. You used to watch Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday
Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.

12. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.

13. You only enjoy Weir's Way on the telly, when you are ****ed.

14. You are able to recognise the regional dilect, (Glasgow) 'Awright
pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper nat, Cheers, magic pal.
(Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? fair few quines in
the night, min. (Inverness) Ah-eee right enuffff! How's you keeeepeeeen?

15. You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone shout?
Errapolis.

16. You have witnessed a 'Square Go'

17. You know that when you are asked which School you attended they
really mean, 'Are you Catholic or a scumbag?'

18. You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink,
Tunnock's Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porrige, Macaroon Bar,
Baxters Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes.

19. A Jakey has ask you for 10p for a cuppa tea.

20. You wait at the shop counter for 1p change.

21. You know that the right response to 'you dancing?' is 'you askin?'
followed by 'am askin' and finally 'then am dancin'.

22. You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the 'jannie' always, used to
pour it over sick in school.

23. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.

24. You don't do shopping, you 'go for the messages.'

25. You're on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.

26. You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words
only,-- Awright, aye, and naw.

27. When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, ' You no well?'

28. You have heard the following:

You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat,

700 hungry weans'll testify to that,

If its butter, cheese or jelly,

If the breed is plain or pan,

The chances o' it reachin earth,

Are ninety nine tae wan.



29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.

30. Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave
back home.

31. Scotland go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think,
getting beat 3-2 was 'no a bad result'.

32. You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and
Kirkcaldy.

33. You love deep fried Pizza.

34. You can't pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.

35. You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, spring, autumn,
summer,winter)

36. You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.

37. You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories, and
think 'thats class'.

38. You measure distance in minutes.

39. You understand Rab C. Nesbitt.

40. You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad.

41. You can make a whole sentence using only swear words.

42. You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it.

43. You know someone who planned their wedding around the football
fixtures.

44. You have been to a wedding and the football results have been
announced in church.

45. You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following:
Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc.

46. Your seaside home has Calor gas under it.

47. You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.

48. You could swear before you could count.

49. You would 'nut' a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport.

50. You are not only Scottish but Glasgwian when you understand the
following- How's it hingin', clatty, boggin', cludgie, Ba'heid, bawbag,
and double nougat.


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Old 03.10.2008, 14:45
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

I would so love to hear the sound of these phrases oscarsmum !!!
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Old 03.10.2008, 14:50
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Oscarsmum,your post is so funny,it made me laugh and laugh and
laugh!!Thank you!!
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Old 03.10.2008, 14:56
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

If full independence ever happens, the first P.M. will be Billy Connolly
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Old 03.10.2008, 15:03
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Awwww it made me miss scotland,
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Old 03.10.2008, 15:03
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Shame there's no thanks button now, I'd have given you one for that.!!!
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Old 03.10.2008, 16:54
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

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Apologies in advance to those of you not from 'God's Own Country' and who can't understand a word of this thread.


How does being from Yorkshire help in understanding Scottish eccentricities?
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Old 03.10.2008, 18:00
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

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How does being from Yorkshire help in understanding Scottish eccentricities?[/left]
grantley ... stop hijacking ...

oscarsmum ... pure dead brilliant by the way ... fancy a tomohawk ?

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Old 03.10.2008, 18:16
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

God......even I don't know what that is! Mind you if it's a sweetie I've probably had one, no wonder my teeth are cr*p. (Anyone know a good dentist?)

I don't know if anyone here's from Edinburgh and remembers 'Black Men' that you used to get from the ice cream van. A wafer on top a blob of ice cream and then a chocolate nougat on the bottom. Now I cringe when I think we used to go to the van and ask for 'Two black men, please'! How politically incorrect is that now? But man, they were braw!
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Old 03.10.2008, 23:32
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Oscarsmum - you might have already seen these but they made a girl from Johnstone laugh:
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '


A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.


What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.


A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke


Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.


After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'


Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.


Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.


A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.


While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'


What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.


What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.


How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.


'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe..


'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.


Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.


Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.


While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.


Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'


A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies
'Aye, same as masel...
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Old 04.10.2008, 11:26
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

swisscath would like to thank Vallers for this post.
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Old 04.10.2008, 11:51
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Brilliant Vallers..............loads of ones there I haven't heard before! Thanks a lot.
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Old 06.10.2008, 12:26
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Oscarsmum, they were fab, and in fact as an Irish woman, I understood 95% having been married to a Scotsman from Glasgow. Also, am sure you are a fan of chewin' the fat and Stillgame. Absolutely fab and the janny always appears with his Sawdust, "girdy, girdy" click of the tongue......
hilarious! Thanks for those, gave me a good laugh.
Mind you, in fact it truly is sad, the food in Glasgow. Bad bad bad, although I ate a great Indian with Indian waiters in Kilts. The best...
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Old 06.10.2008, 20:53
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Thoroughly enjoyed the list and the jokes. Thank you both very much.
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Old 06.10.2008, 21:17
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Oscarsmum that was briilliant, I was laughing out loud,to me this is part of what the English Forum is about and for a bit it has been missing. In fact I think It has a got a bit boring. So once again thanks

Annie
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Old 06.10.2008, 21:26
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

Love this post - I'm awa fir a half noo
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Old 06.10.2008, 21:32
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Re: 50 pure dead giveaways that you're Scottish

I found it funny much to the disgust of Scottish SWMBO... ructions in the gbn household...

(and now my melt is loupin')
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