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Old 28.11.2008, 19:37
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Flughafen story ...

TAKE OFF, QUICK!

During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; none of the air crews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Old 16.12.2008, 10:07
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Air Traffic comments:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** ************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************************************** **************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************************************************** **************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 32 9 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************************************** ************************************************** **

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************** ************************************************** *

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************************************************** ************************************************** **
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



************************************************** ************************************************** ***

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

************************************************** ************************************************** ****

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedi an in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
************************************************** ************************************************** ***

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************************************************** ************************************************** **

While taxiing at London's Heathrow Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?
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Old 16.12.2008, 12:22
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Re: Flughafen story ...

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway.'
Ali 345: 'Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
-----------------------
ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
--------------------------
ACA1147: 'Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?'
CZQM: 'As soon as I get a chance, I will.' (some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: 'Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?'
CZQM: 'Standby for that, please' (more radio chatter)
ACA1147: 'Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?'
CZQM: 'Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'
-----------------------
NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'
NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'
Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'
NY Ctr: 'Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'
Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!'
NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'
--------------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
---------------------------
Contol: 'Delta33, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Cont: (a few moments later): 'DL33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Cont: 'DL33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here 777 is?'
Cont: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oh, oh ****! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center'
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.'
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)...
Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ..'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------
Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the
centerline on that approach.'
Speedbird: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
-------------------------------
A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?'
Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)
Std: 'Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.'
Inst: 'That's a good idea.' (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: 'What should I do? What should I do?'
Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)
Std: 'Maybe I should tell the tower.'
Inst: 'That's a good idea.'
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway (long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Federated 303 with you at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: 'Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.'
Pilot: 'We'll take the VOR then.'
Approach: 'Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby.'
Pilot: 'OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then.'
Approach: '303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.'
Pilot: 'OK, approach. State my intentions.'
-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind spooling up the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
--------------------------
Tower (in Stuttgart): 'Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.'
Pilot: 'This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But
we are flexible.'
Tower: 'We too. Reduce to 173 knots.'
---------------------------
Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
---------------------------------
Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
---------------------------------
München II Tower: 'LH 8610 cleared for take-off.'
Pilot (LH 8610): 'But we are not even landed.'
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? '
Pilot (LH 8801): 'LH 8801.'
Tower: 'OK, then you are cleared for take-off.'
--------------------------------
Tower: 'Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!'
Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' (pilot continues approach)
Tower: 'Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!'!
Pilot Trainee: 'Roger'
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin
standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
------------------------
Tower: 'Mission 123, do you have problems?'
Pilot: 'I think, I have lost my compass.'
Tower: 'Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!'
-----------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
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Old 16.12.2008, 15:13
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Re: Flughafen story ...

Cool, I heard some of those when I was doing my flying courses.
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