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Old 10.05.2010, 00:35
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Personal Ads

A list of very funny personal ads:

'They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46).'

'I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'

'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'

'Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.'

'I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.'

'My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.'

'Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.'

'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.'

'Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.'

'Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.'

'Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.'

'Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks...damn it, I have to pee again.'

'Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.'

'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'

'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.'
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  #2  
Old 10.05.2010, 01:37
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Re: Personal Ads

where did you find those?
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  #3  
Old 10.05.2010, 01:45
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Re: Personal Ads

Possibly from here?
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Old 10.05.2010, 01:58
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Re: Personal Ads

ROFL!!!! Those are too funny!
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Old 10.05.2010, 02:09
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Re: Personal Ads

Quote:
Possibly from here?
LOL! Good job! How do you find that stuff? You always know where everything comes from that someone posts.
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Old 10.05.2010, 02:24
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Re: Personal Ads

You pick a part of the post that should be unique, such as "Boysenberry. Frangipani" and simply dump it into google.
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Old 10.05.2010, 02:27
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Re: Personal Ads

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LOL! Good job! How do you find that stuff? You always know where everything comes from that someone posts.
That's because I write most things on this forum. There are only actually twenty members, including you, the mods and a couple of others. Everyone else is me.

You should see the calluses on my fingers!

Quote:
You pick a part of the post that should be unique, such as "Boysenberry. Frangipani" and simply dump it into google.
Clever, eh?

You wouldn't believe I wrote that, would you?
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Old 10.05.2010, 02:36
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Re: Personal Ads

Quote:
You should see the calluses on my fingers!
I've no idea how I, er, you find the time, what with all that post-typing to do.
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Old 10.05.2010, 02:50
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Re: Personal Ads

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I've no idea how I, er, you find the time, what with all that post-typing to do.
Well, I do have these specially trained monkeys to type all the cyclists' and runners' posts for me.

That saves an awful lot of trouble.
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Old 10.05.2010, 10:14
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Re: Personal Ads

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Old 10.05.2010, 14:37
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Re: Personal Ads

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You pick a part of the post that should be unique, such as "Boysenberry. Frangipani" and simply dump it into google.
Oh okay I didn't think of that. Cool.

Quote:
That's because I write most things on this forum. There are only actually twenty members, including you, the mods and a couple of others. Everyone else is me.

You should see the calluses on my fingers!



Clever, eh?

You wouldn't believe I wrote that, would you?
ROFL!!! Okay I see hahhaha!
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Old 10.05.2010, 14:44
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Re: Personal Ads

and before you start searching for your other half with the help of personal ads, it's important to know what those ads really mean.

WOMEN'S ADS:
==================
40-ish....................49
Adventurer............Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking.....Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Feminist.................Fat ballbuster
Friendship first.......Trying to live down reputation as a slut
New-Age................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.........Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.................Loud and Embarrassing
Poet.......................Depressive Schizophrenic
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Romantic................Looks better by candle light
Social.....................Been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.............Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height..Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate...................Stalker
Young at heart.............Old bat
================
MEN'S ADS
================
40-ish....................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated...............Will patronize the sh!t out of you
Free Spirit..............Banging your sister
Friendship first.......As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........Arrogant
Honest...................Pathological Liar
Huggable...............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.......Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................Older than your father
Physically fit...........Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's number on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.........Gay
Spiritual.................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable....................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.............Says "Excuse me" when he farts
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Old 10.05.2010, 14:58
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Re: Personal Ads

My favourite:

TIRED of feeling patronised by the ads in this column? Then I'm not the woman for you, little man. Today you may be benighted and insignificant, tomorrow you will be more so. Now off you go.
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Old 10.05.2010, 18:16
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Re: Personal Ads

I'd half expected some original contributions, surely there's enough wit and irreverence around here to match those ads above!

Quote:
34 gentleman seeks female gymnast who is into role-playing and dirty limericks
ok, that was a bit silly, but i tried!
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Old 10.05.2010, 18:24
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Re: Personal Ads

These are true ads placed in an Irish Lonely Hearts column....

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Donegal man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

Grossly overweight Louth turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and ****ty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old *******, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with a lovely chest.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.

Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks
replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
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Old 10.05.2010, 18:27
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Re: Personal Ads

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where did you find those?
In a book...
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  #17  
Old 10.05.2010, 19:17
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Re: Personal Ads

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Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old *******, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with a lovely chest.
dyslexic man seeks woman with huge lemons
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