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Old 13.09.2010, 11:13
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Life Advice - oversimplify life



Remember the Sunscreen song?...well this is where you can do the same and give other people advice, most of it will be patronising, I have no doubt but hopefully some will be useful.
Also looking forward to general arguments and disagreements.
I'll start:

When you wipe, start at the back and move forwards.

Your parents did the best they could, stop holding it against them.

If you don't know something, say "I don't know", don't get caught pretending to know stuff you don't.

Do not expect Common Sense to be common.

Appearance is important, don't give up on how you look...especially once you have a significant other in your life.

The phrase, "treat them mean, keep them keen" is more accurately known as "treat them mean, lose them"

Quote:
Realize that falling in love with someone is just the results of a series of generic events that can occur between you and basically anyone who meets your standards of attractiveness. It’s just an emotional manifestation of a handfull of chemicals bouncing back and forth. It’s not the holy grail of living, it’s not your reason to exist and it’s definitely not something reserved for “that one person.” Accept that you are just an animal with a big brain that allows him to fret over what only amounts to a game of hormone pool. What you’re feeling is not your soul dying a gurgling, ugly death, but withdrawal. All the happy chemicals that saturated your body when you were with him are kicking out cold turkey, and your body is screaming bloody murder, where are my endorphins? It’s just chocolate. Find a new bar.
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Old 13.09.2010, 11:19
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Re: Life Advice

If you fancy a good time, the Swissotel in Oerlikon is where the Stewardesses Flight Attendants stay. The late night bar there can lead to all sorts of shenannigans.
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Old 13.09.2010, 11:21
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

You will never know all the rules in Switzerland, learn to accept the inevitable fines as a tourist tax.
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Old 13.09.2010, 11:31
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

Don't cross the streams.

Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors and beware the moon. Good luck.
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Old 13.09.2010, 11:38
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

Be yourself (=10 years of therapy, guaranteed).
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Old 13.09.2010, 11:49
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

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When you wipe, start at the back and move forwards.
We were always taught the opposite due to not wanting to get #2 in the wrong...oh well, you get it.

Go with your gut. It is rarely (if ever) wrong.
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Old 13.09.2010, 14:12
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

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When you wipe, start at the back and move forwards.
We were always taught the opposite due to not wanting to get #2 in the wrong...oh well, you get it.
I find that quite surprising to see stated, almost as shocking as knowing that apparently in the 20's Lysol was marketed as a "feminine hygiene" product.

If females wipe back to front, they're setting themselves up for a nasty infection.




So, my "common sense" saying has to do with dating:
If you like him/ her, ask them out, the worst they can say is "no"... you may as well give yourself the chance that it could be "yes."
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Old 13.09.2010, 14:19
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

If you have just been chopping up chilli's be very careful when going to the toilet.
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Old 13.09.2010, 14:22
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

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If you have just been chopping up chilli's be very careful when going to the toilet.
and take your contact lenses out before you start chopping the named chilli too.
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Old 13.09.2010, 14:25
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

Wanting to be always right and win makes one lose.

And the best anti-aging remedy is playing muzzak live and learning languages. And having kids. Yo.
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Old 13.09.2010, 14:30
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

If you find yourself having to play a pantomime horse, make sure you are the best actor so you can be at the front.
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Old 13.09.2010, 15:16
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

If your going to do it.....then do it properly.
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Old 13.09.2010, 15:19
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

Dont spit against the wind
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Old 13.09.2010, 15:32
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

I pulled this off another forum....I like it.
What is Love:

Love is when she drives you insane sometimes. And I don't mean merely "aggravating" or "annoying," I mean flat-out in. Sane. And in a way nobody else can do it in a million years. She'll drive you to the point where you'd gouge out your own eyeball with a melon baller or smack your scrotum a half-dozen times with a ball peen hammer if it means you can be done with this conversation. She'll make you want to chew your own arm off to get out of talking about this. And I don't care how many times you've had this conversation, each time, you know you'll have it again:

Her: I thought you turned the heat on.
You: I did.
Her: Well, I'm still cold. Are you sure you did it right?
You: Yes, I'm pretty sure I know how to turn on a thermostat.
Her: 'Cause you know you have to flip the switch to "heat" and....
You: Honey! I know! How to turn on! A thermostat! I went to college for it and everything.
Her: Well, I don't feel any heat blowing in here.
You: I know. I think you broke the thermostat again.
Her: I didn't break it.
You: Yes, you did, you put that halogen lamp right next to it again.
Her: That doesn't do anything.
You: Yes, it does.
Her: I thought you fixed it?
You: I did fix it, and you broke it again.
Her: Are you sure you fixed it right?
You: Yes, goddammit, I fixed it right.
Her: How do you know you fixed it?
You: 'Cause it worked when I fixed it!
Her: Well, it's not working now.
You: 'Cause you broke it again!
Her: How'd I break it?
You: You put the goddamn, lamp next to it!
Her: I don't see why a lamp would break a thermostat.
You: OK. I'm going to explain this. One more time. Slowly. Thermostats have a coil inside them that expands and contracts based on the temperature. This is how they know when it is hotter than the setting of the A/C, so it can cool the room off, or colder than the setting of the heating, so it can heat the room up. Halogen lamps generate heat. Halogen lamps generate a lot of heat. That's why you burn your fingers when you touch the bulbs after they've been on for a while. So when you put a halogen lamp next to a thermostat, it causes the coil to keep expanding and expanding and expanding past the point it's intended to expand. This makes the thermostat think it's really, really hot all the time, and it makes the coil less sensitive in the future, and it'll eventually break the coil so I'll have to replace the thermostat.
Her: That doesn't sound right.
You: Trust me. It's right.
Her: How do you know?
You: BECAUSE I TOOK SIXTH GRADE PHYSICS, OK?!
Her: Well, I don't think they should make thermostats that can be broken by something little like a lamp.
You: Fine. Don't think that. Write a letter to the manufacturers. Write a letter to universities and tell them to build a better thermostat. I don't care. But that's how they make them. That's why I keep moving the lamp, that's why I keep telling you not to put it back to the right of the bookcase, that's why I've had to fix the thermostat four times now. Stop! Putting! The lamp! Right! Next! To the thermostat!
Her: But on the other side of the bookcase, the front of the hallway is dark, and I can't see inside my gift closet.
You: Well, you can turn on the hall light to go through your gift closet, or you can sit here and be cold! Your choice, honey!
Her:
You:
Her:
You:
Her: I don't think you fixed the thermostat right.
You: GOD-MOTHERFECKING-DAMMIT, I'M GOING TO FIX THAT MOTHERFECKING THERMOSTAT TOMORROW, AND I SWEAR TO MOTHERFECKING CHRIST IF YOU PUT THE LAMP NEAR THE THERMOSTAT AGAIN, I WILL SMASH IT TO A MILLION PIECES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR GODDAMN THROAT!!! MOTHERFECK ME, JESUS!!!!!!

And if the seventh time you have that conversation, knowing full well there will be an eighth time, you'd still rather have that conversation again than imagine a world she's not in, you're in love.

Especially if you do fix that thermostat... again... the next day, and not just so she'll shut up about it, but because you really don't want her to be cold anymore.
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Old 13.09.2010, 15:45
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

Well if we're quoting other sources here's a fav of mine:

William S. Burrows "Words of advice for young people"

People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people.
Well here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.
Never intefere in a boy-and-girl fight.
Beware of whores who say they don't want money.
The hell they don't.
What they mean is they want more money. Much more.
If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch,
Get it in writing.
His word isn't worth shit.
Not with the good lord telling him how to f**k you on the deal.

Avoid f**k-ups.
We all know the type.
Anything they have anything to do with,
No matter how good it sounds,
Turns into a disaster.
Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill.
Tell them firmly:
I am not paid to listen to this drivel.
You are a terminal boob.

Now some of you may encounter the Devil's Bargain,
If you get that far.
Any old soul is worth saving,
At least to a priest,
But not every soul is worth buying.
So you can take the offer as a compliment.
He tries the easy ones first.
You know like money,
All the money there is.
But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetary?
Money won't buy.
Not much left to spend it on, eh gramps?
Getting too old to cut the mustard.

Well time hits the hardest blows.
Especially below the belt.
How's a young body grab you?
Like three card monte, like pea under the shell,
Now you see it, now you don't.
Haven't you forgotten something, gramps?
In order to feel something,
You've got to be there.
You have to be eighteen.
You're not eighteen.
You are seventy-eight.
Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

Well they always try the easiest ones first.
How about an honorable bargain?
You always wanted to be a doctor,
Well now's your chance.
Why don't you become a great healer
And benefit humanity?
What's wrong with that?
Just about everything.
Just about everything.
There are no honorable bargains
Involving exchange
Of qualitative merchandise
Like souls
For quantitative merchandise
Like time and money.
So piss off Satan
And don't take me for dumber than I look.

An old junk pusher told me -
Watch whose money you pick up.
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Old 13.09.2010, 15:49
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

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and take your contact lenses out before you start chopping the named chilli too.
In soviet Russia, chili cried on you.
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Old 13.09.2010, 16:09
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

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You are a terminal boob.
A nice band name.

Although I am not sure how popular we'd be here...


Last edited by MusicChick; 14.09.2010 at 21:52.
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Old 13.09.2010, 16:09
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Re: Life Advice

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If you fancy a good time, the Swissotel in Oerlikon is where the Stewardesses Flight Attendants stay. The late night bar there can lead to all sorts of shenannigans.
Did not know that.... Thanks for the tip!
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Old 13.09.2010, 16:13
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

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You: GOD-MOTHERFECKING-DAMMIT, I'M GOING TO FIX THAT MOTHERFECKING THERMOSTAT TOMORROW, AND I SWEAR TO MOTHERFECKING CHRIST IF YOU PUT THE LAMP NEAR THE THERMOSTAT AGAIN, I WILL SMASH IT TO A MILLION PIECES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR GODDAMN THROAT!!! MOTHERFECK ME, JESUS!!!!!!
haha. i'd almost forgotten about those sorts of discussions.

for me, it was always the little foil seals on milk bottles etc. - i mean, how hard is it to put that in the bin once you open a bottle instead of leaving it milk side down on the kitchen top???

after four years of exasperation, pleading, reasoning and explaining, one day she carefully put the foil milk side down on the kitchen surface, looked me in the eye with a giant mischievous grin on her face and said "hee hee, that's my favourite".

after being momentarily immobilised by shock and disbelief, i grinned, tackled her with a huge hug and put sloppy kisses all over her face to pay her back.

i never mentioned the foil thing again. after all, as Sun Tzu said, "He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot will be victorious."
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Old 14.09.2010, 21:51
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Re: Life Advice - oversimplify life

Don't take part in an argument between two lovers, 'cause they'll kiss and make up, but they'll never forget who's side you took.

Say something nice or not at all
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