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  #61  
Old 03.08.2011, 15:44
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Re: Seperation

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Yes, because old sayings are always the best relationship advice for the modern world. Out with the stones, back to the kangaroo courts and let the old ways rule supreme!!! Down with progress!!! Down with tollerance!!! Don't worry about fillings or brushing or crowns or modern methods, pull it out and burn it, burn it, burn it!!!


So there is no scenario in the whole of existence where it would be okay to cheat during marraige?
These sorts of polarized oppinions are not helpful. Perhaps she had a very good reason, perhaps not. I don't think we are qualified to say, but to throw down and say that the OP should just up and get out, you are potentially ruining a relationship that could be salvaged. I mean, just think for a second, I have never known a woman to lie about an indescression just to see what sort of reaction she would get, albeit a really stupid thing to do and a possibly far fetched scenario. I have never known a man to do anything to push his wife away.

I know you are the perfect partner to your perfect partner and the universe would end before this ever happened to you, but seriously, do you honestly believe what you wrote above?

Kangoroo courts? Perhaps you should pay a visit to your local modern family court one day. Down with progress? who said any of that? What a load of rubbish. Old sayings are only words of wisdom that have passed the test of time - not the gospel truth, nothing more nothing less. And if screwing around in a marriage without an iota of concern for the child or the other partner for the fun of it is your typical modern world and progress, I very much rather live in the old times -thank you very much.

And yes I seriously do believe in what I wrote. Polarised opinions are not helpful and I agree most things in life are grey and not black and white but this is one area that to me is grossly wrong and irresponsible, and when a child is involved is almost a crime. I say almost a crime as it destroys lives, that of the child and the person at the receiving end. It destroys families, the very fabric of society. Unless if the person is totally insane and that does not seem to be the case here. I would love to know of a situation where gross cheating in marriage would be acceptable to you..

No one is forcing anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage. The difference between my line of thinking and yours is this: I believe that if you are unhappy- fine- have some integrity and get out first before searching the market,you owe that to yourself and your partner. You seem to think it is OK to stay- happy or unhappy- (and under some allowable circumstances) take advantage of your family/partner while looking for your better partner or an outlet. Call me old fashioned, but to me the latter is pure selfishness and lacks integrity, courage and human compassion.
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  #62  
Old 03.08.2011, 16:08
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Re: Seperation

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And if screwing around in a marriage without an iota of concern for the child or the other partner for the fun of it is your typical modern world and progress
Hmmmm, you would be putting words into somebodies mouth there? I mean such a pillar of ethical behaviour as yourself could never be accused of having double standards?

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I very much rather live in the old times -thank you very much.
As soon as I find a time machine, I will offer you a trip where ever you would like.

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and when a child is involved is almost a crime. I say almost a crime as it destroys lives, that of the child and the person at the receiving end.
It destroys lives because of how people deal with it, not the act itself. I actually know some very happy poly people who have successful families. I just think it is a little rich of you to forse your narrow view on ethics and morality onto everybody in the world instead of trying to be understanding and possibly supportive.

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the very fabric of society.
Your society, not everybodies. And I am not talking for myself here but there are others out there as well.

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I would love to know of a situation where gross cheating in marriage would be acceptable to you..
Husband or wife is in a situation where sex is no longer possible for them but the couple is still very closely bonded through love and family and they take the decision together.
And it would be better if you did not start qualifying things by the addition of words like "gross" after you had leveled the criticism.

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You seem to think it is OK to stay- happy or unhappy- (and under some allowable circumstances) take advantage of your family/partner while looking for your better partner or an outlet. Call me old fashioned, but to me the latter is pure selfishness and lacks integrity, courage and human compassion.
Well clearly you are either lacking in comprehension or reading skills. Please note where I sprouted such drivel and I would be more than happy to be accused of a lack of integrity, courage and human compassion, which I don't believe most people would accuse me.
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  #63  
Old 03.08.2011, 16:13
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Re: Seperation

Well I am 100pct behind Mr Happy. You can keep your modern society with all the understanding in the world but society without rules of engagement about promiscuity and honesty is a load of crap and it will never last.
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  #64  
Old 03.08.2011, 16:32
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Re: Seperation

It's all about your own values and what you can stand behind. I thought I could be "modern" about my separation but I finally had to admit I'm an old-fashioned girl at heart and need to separate completely from my husband before starting another relationship. Too much fuzzy, grey areas make it hard to see the forest through the trees.

I also think I will make a better partner to someone once I've made the final break and get my life in order again as a single woman.

What works for one person might not work for the next. In my limited experience, I have found that too many unresolved issues do not make good breeding ground for a new relationship.

I understand how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you once loved and fought for and now must admit it's over and done with. All the time, money and hopes and dreams invested seem suddenly naught and the idea of being lonely, on your own alone and financially unsettled can be daunting. That's basically where I'm at right now.

I've got no answers, just a lot of compassion for the situation.
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Old 03.08.2011, 16:38
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Re: Seperation

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It's all about your own values and what you can stand behind. I thought I could be "modern" about my separation but I finally had to admit I'm an old-fashioned girl at heart and need to separate completely from my husband before starting another relationship. Too much fuzzy, grey areas make it hard to see the forest through the trees.

I also think I will make a better partner to someone once I've made the final break and get my life in order again as a single woman.

What works for one person might not work for the next. In my limited experience, I have found that too many unresolved issues do not make good breeding ground for a new relationship.

I understand how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you once loved and fought for and now must admit it's over and done with. All the time, money and hopes and dreams invested seem suddenly naught and the idea of being lonely, on your own alone and financially unsettled can be daunting. That's basically where I'm at right now.

I've got no answers, just a lot of compassion for the situation.
For those that have been there including myself, I have only one thing to advise you for your strength and courage. When you come out of all this, to have your dignity and honesty in tact and not to be dragged through the dirt of someones self justification of basic dishonesty is the most strongest of feelings and will provide you with a better life, For those that believe its better to succumb to the other persons total disrespect, well advise yourselves and live through the experiences before you choose to give advice to others.
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  #66  
Old 03.08.2011, 17:03
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Re: Seperation

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I mean such a pillar of ethical behaviour as yourself could never be accused of having double standards?
Talking of kangoroo courts : next time you pass a judgment on someone I suggest you do some homework..

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I actually know some very happy poly people who have successful families. I just think it is a little rich of you to forse your narrow view on ethics and morality onto everybody in the world instead of trying to be understanding and possibly supportive.
What do these poly people have to do with this case? And yeah right I am 'imposing' my 'narrow view on ethics' as if people in this forum of all places lack education and comprehension and need your help in case they are given/imposed misleading views not approved by you. By the way 'forse' is spelt 'force', unless you meant something else.

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Husband or wife is in a situation where sex is no longer possible for them but the couple is still very closely bonded through love and family and they take the decision together.
And it would be better if you did not start qualifying things by the addition of words like "gross" after you had leveled the criticism.
Yes this example is clearly very close to our case here ...


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Well clearly you are either lacking in comprehension or reading skills..
Whatever. While you are at it, why don't you throw more personal insults at me..
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As soon as I find a time machine, I will offer you a trip where ever you would like.
A clear demonstration of your tolerance. If there ever was a time machine I would be delighted to use it to keep as far away as possible from you, your insults, and twisted world view.

Anyway, I refuse to be drawn into this kind of rubbish and personal insults any further when proper reasoning is lacking. I think the debate has already gone too distant from it's starting point.
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  #67  
Old 03.08.2011, 22:50
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Re: Seperation

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promiscuity and honesty is a load of crap and it will never last.
The promiscuity is not for me but I will let other people make up thier own minds about it. If they are not hurting anybody then they should be able to do exactly as they like without people judging them.
The honesty, I competely one hundered percent agree with you without any reservations.
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  #68  
Old 03.08.2011, 23:13
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Re: Seperation

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Talking of kangoroo courts : next time you pass a judgment on someone I suggest you do some homework..
When? How?
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What do these poly people have to do with this case? And yeah right I am 'imposing' my 'narrow view on ethics' as if people in this forum of all places lack education and comprehension and need your help in case they are given/imposed misleading views not approved by you.
Sorry, I don't understand the point that you are trying to make here. Can you clarify?
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By the way 'forse' is spelt 'force', unless you meant something else.
Thanks, my dyslexia often gets in the way of proper expression and I miss this one all the time.
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Yes this example is clearly very close to our case here ...
You asked for an example, I gave you one. You did not ask for an example close to this case and I don't feel that it would be appropriate for me or any of the rest of us to start speculating about what examples could be relevant, I picked one specifically far away from the OPs situation. If you want examples of closer ones, please feel free to PM me or start a new thread.
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Whatever. While you are at it, why don't you throw more personal insults at me..
It was not intended as a personal insult but rather an observation that you did not understand at all what I was driving at and decided that it was best to put your own meaning behind my words which was not the intended meaning at all. I appologise for any personal slight that you may have suffered.
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A clear demonstration of your tolerance. If there ever was a time machine I would be delighted to use it to keep as far away as possible from you, your insults, and twisted world view.
Why thank you Sir, something perhaps we can agree on then...lol.
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Anyway, I refuse to be drawn into this kind of rubbish and personal insults any further when proper reasoning is lacking. I think the debate has already gone too distant from it's starting point.
You are quite right and I will therefore also cease and desist in commenting on any more of your posts until we can have a civil debate about something. Perhaps though you can take a little of the cool down time to think about how exactly my reasoning was lacking and write me a nice PM to point it out as I can't see it and if it is, then I would very much like to attempt to be a better person by not making those reasoning mistakes in the future.
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  #69  
Old 04.08.2011, 00:02
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Re: Separation

Could we please go back OT, This are your personal views and its been so many posts now just defending your point of view and still the OP gets no help if either of you turn out to be right.
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Old 04.08.2011, 07:18
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Re: Separation

If both of their names didn't suggest they were men, I'd swear these two had PMT
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Old 04.08.2011, 08:07
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Re: Separation

I don't know if it helps the OP, but a couple can separate at any time but neither party can file for divorce without the other's consent until you have been physically separated for at least 2 years (if you divorce under Swiss law).

And as for the rest of the argument - sorry, I'm also in the camp that says there is never any reason that can justify opening your flies before you open your mouth to let your spouse know there is something wrong.

Last edited by eng_ch; 04.08.2011 at 09:14.
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  #72  
Old 04.08.2011, 08:55
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Re: Separation

You wait till Nil gets through reading this thread. Someones gonna git it ...........
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Old 04.08.2011, 09:57
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Re: Separation

OP- get in touch with your local Frauenzentral. They offer legal advice (according to your income) and they also have marital counseling.

As for possible deportation- I've been there and was nearly deported when I was going through my divorce with my ex- EU husband. They couldn't deport me because I was pregnant with a Swiss child in the end, but still cost me a small fortune because I went with a lawyer.

I wish you much strength! Separation or divorce is never an easy thing!
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Old 04.08.2011, 16:58
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Seperation update

I would like to thank all of you who contributed and the much useful advice, i got. Yesterday morning my wife bid me goodbye as i was moving out of our marital home. Last night amid tears i finally gathered courage to call the other man and asked him if he was happy that, he finally broke my marriage, he was soo sorry, he thought we were seperated, and promised me he would end it today. To my suprise my wife called me crying after, that the man has broke up with her and can i please move back to the house, now she is calling every 10minutes pleading i go back, iam really confused now, any advice?
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Old 04.08.2011, 17:10
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Re: Seperation update

Are you sure you want to post all that stuff to a public forum ?
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  #76  
Old 04.08.2011, 17:11
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Re: Seperation update

I would think that this calls for couples counseling.

Tom
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  #77  
Old 04.08.2011, 17:12
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Re: Seperation update

I think you already know what you want to do, so go for it.

Last edited by Mitziem; 04.08.2011 at 17:16. Reason: left a word out.
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Old 04.08.2011, 17:15
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Re: Seperation update

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I would like to thank all of you who contributed and the much useful advice, i got. Yesterday morning my wife bid me goodbye as i was moving out of our marital home. Last night amid tears i finally gathered courage to call the other man and asked him if he was happy that, he finally broke my marriage, he was soo sorry, he thought we were seperated, and promised me he would end it today. To my suprise my wife called me crying after, that the man has broke up with her and can i please move back to the house, now she is calling every 10minutes pleading i go back, iam really confused now, any advice?
Short Answer erm No thanks

Take some time to assess the situtation, what YOU want and how you want to move forward.
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Old 04.08.2011, 17:19
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Re: Seperation update

tell her to go sling her hook .... she doesn't seem to have a clue what a relationship, or is blessed with wandering loins, that mean she doesn't value a relationship.
You have been married a short time - it's not going to get better with age
And probably want to keep it out of the public domain ....

Last edited by Hedgehog of death; 04.08.2011 at 18:35.
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Old 04.08.2011, 17:26
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Re: Separation

Why do I get this strong feeling that the OP is ...

Oh, never mind me. I'm just cynical.

Anyway, OP, thanks for sharing. Really. Good luck in all you do.
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