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Old 02.08.2011, 22:42
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Separation

My name is Alex and i just found out about this site which seems like a breath of fresh air because of soo many questions without answers here in Switzerland. Now this is my situation, iam a non EU member of an African origin, i met my wife 3 years ago in my country when she was on holiday. We got married in my country and our beautiful daughter was born there. Then after living there for one and a half years, things didnt quite work for us and we moved her in Switzerland. We have lived together just over one and a half years. So in total we are married just over 3 years. Last week my wife went on holiday with my daughter and i was shocked when she came back and said she met someone new on holiday and she want to seperate. I have a B permit, which was 1 year then last year they gave me 2 years. Now my question is, how will this affect my resident status, will i get it renewed come next year. I work so i will be able to support myself, any advice will be appreciated
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Old 03.08.2011, 07:29
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Re: Seperation

Hi, I'm not very good with permit questions so I'll leave it up to some clued up and savvy folk to help you with your question.....I just wanted to offer my support in this difficult time. You must be very shocked and I hope that things work out for you and you are still able to play a role in your daughter's life.

Could it be that your wife is just going through a rough patch in the marriage and simply thinks the grass is greener elsewhere?

Would sitting down together and having a conversation about how she feels help do you think?

Chin up and stay strong. Things have a funny way of working out in the long run
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Old 03.08.2011, 09:29
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Re: Seperation

Our marriage was okay just the normal stuff, ups and downs of any marriage but nothing major. I try talking to her and what she says is that she needs time and space to find out what she really wants coz she is confused.
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Old 03.08.2011, 09:34
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Re: Seperation

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Our marriage was okay just the normal stuff, ups and downs of any marriage but nothing major. I try talking to her and what she says is that she needs time and space to find out what she really wants coz she is confused.

In which case I would say definitely give her that time and space as it may well save your relationship.

However, time and space does not necessarily mean that she is free to sleep around with other men if that is something you disagree with. Until she has made up her mind she also should really respect your wishes too. She can't have her cake and eat it

I hope you can sort it out so you can both be happy.

In the meantime, why not try giving the local permit office a ring? I'm sure someone could tell you in English where you would stand if you were to divorce seeing as nobody seems to be coming up with any info here (me included)
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Old 03.08.2011, 09:35
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Re: Seperation

If you divorce, you might be sent back, if you can support the family by staying then you might be allowed to stay.
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Old 03.08.2011, 09:56
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Re: Seperation

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My name is Alex and i just found out about this site which seems like a breath of fresh air because of soo many questions without answers here in Switzerland. Now this is my situation, iam a non EU member of an African origin, i met my wife 3 years ago in my country when she was on holiday. We got married in my country and our beautiful daughter was born there. Then after living there for one and a half years, things didnt quite work for us and we moved her in Switzerland. We have lived together just over one and a half years. So in total we are married just over 3 years. Last week my wife went on holiday with my daughter and i was shocked when she came back and said she met someone new on holiday and she want to seperate. I have a B permit, which was 1 year then last year they gave me 2 years. Now my question is, how will this affect my resident status, will i get it renewed come next year. I work so i will be able to support myself, any advice will be appreciated
Sorry to hear what you're going through. It's an all too prevalent thing with marriages especially binational marriages. My suggestions are:

A: Contatct a divorce lawyer for consultation (most offer free telephone consultation if the call doesn't last more than 15 or 20 mins).

B: Check with your Kanton's migration office as, theoretically, you're entitled to a permit to stay if you divorce now because you have been married for more than 3 years and if you're "integrated". What constitute integrated is discretionary to the Kantons. I understand from your post you've only been living in CH a little less than 2 years so I cannot say with certitude that the integration avenue is a guarantee.

C: There is a website specifically caters to men in divorce or separation proceedings. I think it's called Mannschaftt.ch (my spelling is suspect). They too give free telephone consultaion and if you think they're what you're looking for, you can be a paying member (not sure about the annual premium).

In the meantime, try and be strong; I know it may be unbearable and hard to do. Think about your daughter and see how best you can make sure you stay in her life. Good luck, dude.

PM me if you'd like to take this convo offline.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:03
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Re: Seperation

This seem to be a common assault around here. Quite often I read these threads, where a Swiss person marries someone from a different nationality, they do well outside of the Country, but once they make it to the shores of Switzerland, they get dumped by the Swiss native.
Not sure if this is a right of passage in Switzerland, but looks like it happens more frequently here.

Hope you get to stay if that is what you want, but you may be better off in the long run. Take care.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:15
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Re: Seperation

I didnt mention that she also told me she also had sex with this man and she really enjoyed it. So you can imagine the hurt, pain and betrayal. Also i dont know if i would be able to really put it behind me should she decide later she wants to give our marriage a go. What am really struggling with, is should i wait while she has her time and space, or should i consider a new start with ofcourse my daughter's best interest at heart.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:20
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Re: Seperation

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I didnt mention that she also told me she also had sex with this man and she really enjoyed it. So you can imagine the hurt, pain and betrayal. Also i dont know if i would be able to really put it behind me should she decide later she wants to give our marriage a go. What am really struggling with, is should i wait while she has her time and space, or should i consider a new start with ofcourse my daughter's best interest at heart.
Leave . Immediately.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:26
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Re: Seperation

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I didnt mention that she also told me she also had sex with this man and she really enjoyed it. So you can imagine the hurt, pain and betrayal. Also i dont know if i would be able to really put it behind me should she decide later she wants to give our marriage a go. What am really struggling with, is should i wait while she has her time and space, or should i consider a new start with ofcourse my daughter's best interest at heart.

Maybe you should wait...while she tries out a few more guys on different holidays and hopefully finds out who she enjoys the most
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:27
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Re: Seperation

She went on holiday, met some one, and wants to move in that fast? I hope she's talking to other people for feedback, because I think that it would be a huge mistake to throw away your marriage over a fling.

I hope she will be able to ask for forgiveness, and that you will be able to forgive her, too.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:28
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Re: Seperation

One and a half years in a new country, with a small child, which probably means you can't get out too much. Not easy for anyone.
You're without your 'backup-crew' from your own country and probably haven't yet had the chance to make some really good friends.
The problem sounds more likely to be born out of general frustration than out of
your wife's desire to start again with someone else. Holiday romances too have a very short shelf-life.
She's just trying to hurt you because she knows she can.
Try to take her out to dinner and talk it over somewhere where you can concentrate on each other and try to find out what she's really upset about.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:39
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Re: Seperation

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I didnt mention that she also told me she also had sex with this man and she really enjoyed it. So you can imagine the hurt, pain and betrayal. Also i dont know if i would be able to really put it behind me should she decide later she wants to give our marriage a go. What am really struggling with, is should i wait while she has her time and space, or should i consider a new start with ofcourse my daughter's best interest at heart.
I am really sorry to hear your ordeal. I must say that I agree with grumpygit that you should leave, however painful that may be. An old Persian proverb says that a tooth that constantly aches must be pulled out. As to the question of best interests of your daughter, it lies in her having a happy and strong dad, not someone who is used and abused by her mother.

I am sorry, but I have no respect for a woman (or a man), Swiss or otherwise, that cheats during marriage. It is the hallmark of a very low being, and all this crap about 'being confused' is just there to buy time at your cost. She is not confused, she cheated with intention and had the audacity to declare it to you. No one here can decide for you, we all have our personal take on this, and from my past experience I can tell you a bright future awaits you and a miserable one awaits her. What goes around comes around or 'every action has an equal but opposite reaction' - Newton's Third Law of Thermodynamics.

Last edited by Mr. Happy; 03.08.2011 at 10:41. Reason: lost word
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:43
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Re: Seperation

I'm surprised someone hasn't chimed in with some hard info, but I seem to recall that if you have a child here it's hard to be 'sent out' as it would be inhumane to separate you from the child. I sure hope so for your sake and your daughter's.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:46
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Re: Seperation

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I didnt mention that she also told me she also had sex with this man and she really enjoyed it. So you can imagine the hurt, pain and betrayal. Also i dont know if i would be able to really put it behind me should she decide later she wants to give our marriage a go. What am really struggling with, is should i wait while she has her time and space, or should i consider a new start with ofcourse my daughter's best interest at heart.
You also have to be honest about "why you married in the first place." If she sees it as "doing you a favor" then she probably has no respect for you. It seems that sex is a big priority for her and sometimes people mistaken sex for love. Probably after coming to Switzerland her feelings and views changed about your marriage. Get out while it's new. The longer you wait the harder it gets and just roll with the punches as it goes along. We all make mistakes, especially with love or what we thought was love. Good luck to you...
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:50
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Re: Seperation

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I didnt mention that she also told me she also had sex with this man and she really enjoyed it. So you can imagine the hurt, pain and betrayal. Also i dont know if i would be able to really put it behind me should she decide later she wants to give our marriage a go. What am really struggling with, is should i wait while she has her time and space, or should i consider a new start with ofcourse my daughter's best interest at heart.


Only you can decide if it means that you are unable to forgive her and move on.

Some people can and rebuild their relationships (very rare) whereas others simply cannot. No one knows but you and as everyone said you must do what is right for you and what is in the best interests of your daughter. I also agree that her having a happy father is much more important than her having two parents together that don't make each other happy anymore.

Good luck.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:54
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Re: Seperation

That's one of the reasons why there are so many one-parent families, because people take the easy way out, instead of really thinking what's best for the child, who presumably loves both parents, and often what's best for themselves too at the end of the day.
Maybe your wife is unhappy here because she doesn't have family and friends around. Maybe it's as simple as that.
Maybe she didn't really sleep with the chap on holiday, but is saying that because she wants to hit out at you because she hurts.
Maybe, just maybe. Or maybe I've lived too long and have seen it ALL.
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Old 03.08.2011, 10:55
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Re: Seperation

thanks all for the advice and support, i think when someone does this kind of thing and declaire to you, is just another cruel way of sending you packing
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Old 03.08.2011, 11:01
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Re: Seperation

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That's one of the reasons why there are so many one-parent families, because people take the easy way out, instead of really thinking what's best for the child, who presumably loves both parents, and often what's best for themselves too at the end of the day.
Maybe your wife is unhappy here because she doesn't have family and friends around. Maybe it's as simple as that.
Maybe she didn't really sleep with the chap on holiday, but is saying that because she wants to hit out at you because she hurts.
Maybe, just maybe. Or maybe I've lived too long and have seen it ALL.
Hang on. This woman went on holiday with her daughter, met some bloke, had sex with him and has now asked for a separation. Do you honestly think the poor thing is hurt and upset and hitting out ??? He is taking the easy way out by leaving??
Mate here is a scenario that might help you out. You forgive her ,she accepts and you get back together. Two months down the road she needs to travel somewhere.What will you be thinking while she is away? The next time and the next time? If a woman can sleep with another man then she doesnt love her husband anymore.Its as simple as that. Good luck.
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Old 03.08.2011, 11:04
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Re: Seperation

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That's one of the reasons why there are so many one-parent families, because people take the easy way out, instead of really thinking what's best for the child, who presumably loves both parents, and often what's best for themselves too at the end of the day.
Maybe your wife is unhappy here because she doesn't have family and friends around. Maybe it's as simple as that.
Maybe she didn't really sleep with the chap on holiday, but is saying that because she wants to hit out at you because she hurts.
Maybe, just maybe. Or maybe I've lived too long and have seen it ALL.
I understood it as the wife is Swiss. So Alex moved here for her, since she was unhappy abroad.

If the woman is hooking up while on holiday with the child, that's a pretty bad example. And the child is under 3 years old, so where was she while the hanky panky was going on?!

Not sure who you think is looking at the easy way out here... if the facts as given are straight, then the wife is a flake.
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